Closer to myself, somehow.

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place.

I've been up since five this morning and feel tired to burst, but some stuff just needs to be put down before me. (Get it? :-P)
I am blissful.
Just blissful.
Because she likes me, she really does.
We hang out, we chat and giggle and kiss and I can feel my heart fluttering in my chest again and again.
I dyed my hair the brightest pink I could find today, to match my mood.
It had to come out somehow!
I could never, ever imagine having four people to care about like this, but here I am, plum in the middle of so much love it makes me dizzy.
I just want to spread glitter and sparklers and bright pink balloons everywhere!
But now, in the words of the great Dylan Moran, BEDTIME, BEDTIME, BEDTIME!!!

Heart vs tummy.

Top is still full of butterflies, but the lower part is full of swirling nervous and dread.
I could not be more delighted, but its all moving so very fast and oh my word...
Most of all, I want to make her happy.
She deserves everything that is good and beautiful and wonderful in the world.
I'm just so scared I cant be good enough.
I feel so big and clumsy and coarse, like a lumbering ogre stumbling alongside a fawn.
But I got to hold her hand, walking by the river and my heart soared and leaped with joy.

She likes me, I think she likes me...

But does she *like me* like me, like I like her?

So I'm wandering around the apartement singing musical-tunes, so what?
I feel pink and sparkly and a bit like one of those helium balloons with the glitter inside and pictures of My Little Pony on the outside.
I'm floating around, feet hardly touching the ground.
I know I should be reasonable and practical and blah, blah blaaaah....
Screw that, I deserve a little glitter in my life.
And she... oh gods, she makes me smile and laugh and blush and giggle and consider colouring my hair pink again.

I'm full of fluttering butterflies.

Stupid feelings that are stupid.

I have to stop this.
I know I harp on about my piss-poor track record with girls, but gods damn it, I can't seem to do anything about it!
I really dont know what it is I do wrong, or why I continue to punish myself like this.
People of the fairer sex mystify me completely, maybe that is the attraction?
I just know in my heart I could make some girl really happy.
And yes, I think the right one could make me really happy too.
Damn it, I have so much to give, why can't I find someone that wants me?
All I want is someone to love me back.
Someone that cares, even just a little.
How pathetic am I?

And yeah, I'm writing this rambling mess now, because yet again, there is a girl, and yet again, she will never, ever look at me like that.
fml

Tired and sore, but in a wonderful way,

Its been a whirlwind of a weekend, let me tell you!
Funny how you can miss someone every day, the feeling integrates itself in to the fabric of life, always there in the background.
And then they are suddenly THERE, right in front of you, oh my gods, its really him and the feeling comes rushing in like a... something huge anyway and you just loose your breath and your head spins and the world goes quiet, and he is kissing you and everything is just right, so right.
And then you try to cram as much love as possible in to the brief days together, again, always with the feeling in the background, one less minute, one less hour, just two more nights now, just one...
Please kiss me, kiss me harder, don't let me think about you walking out the door in five minutes, three, one...
And then its just you again, just you in front of the screen, pouring out your heart in pixles and trying not to cry, starting another count-down, integrating the feeling again, pushing it to the back, not forgetting, but trying not to poke at it to much so it won't sting so bad, but it's always there.