I will not be afraid.

Its dark, I'm lonely and cold, but I will not be afraid.
The world will still be there in the morning.
At least there is no room for monsters under the bed, I made sure of that when we bought it!
I just cant stand being alone!

In wich we explore self-pity in all its loathsome forms.

This place is turning in to sob-sentral, but I just cant be bothered to care.
I need somewhere to dump my truckload of bleh.
So, like the last time, I'm home alone, and everyone else has someone.
This does not please my ego in the slightest, not in any way.
My ego feels very strongly that if I am miserable and alone, so should everyone else be. (I dont get how you all can stand to be around me, I really dont.)
It is in no way made better by the fact that I'm sick from the side effects of a vaccine I had shoved in to my arm yesterday.
I just want to sleep and sleep and then sleep some more, but if I lie down, my food will come back up, since my stomach has decided to hate me violently.
Then again, it might just all be part of the damn anxiety creeping up on me, AGAIN.
I am not looking forward to the coming days in any way at all.
I miss my sleeping-pills.
I miss you. And you. And you, over there, I miss you to.
Most of all though, I miss myself. Just being comfortable in my own company.

Public service something-something.

I've got a big being honest topic I need to get of my chest.
This is really, really personal, and might actually get me in pretty deep shit, but since nobody reads this anyway, I guess I should be safe'ish.
I've been faking it.
Yepp, exactly what you think.
I've been faking it for oh... about 15 years?
So if you've been intimate (gods, that is a stupid word),bleh, if I've fucked you some time during the last 15'ish years, odds are, I was faking.
Its not that the sex wasnt great, lots of it was, but the big finish has pretty much always eluded me.
The annoying thing is, I can do it just fine on my own. (To much info you say? Then gtfo, this is not the right place for you.)
But at least I've reached a point where I've got the backbone to start talking about it.
In my mind, that is a step in the right direction.

To long, but not long enough.

Time slides away in greasy sheets.
Lots of stuff happens, I think, oh I should write about this!
And then I dont.
But here I sit, all alone in the dark, trying not to panic, and I suppose writing something might help?
Gods that sounds so fucking emo.
But it is dark outside, and I am all alone in here.
I really thought I'd be ok with this.
Alas t'was not to be.
It might be the fact that you lot out there all have someone with you tonight thats ticking off the selfish bastard in me.
It might be the little girl that desperately wants someone big and safe and grown-up to check under the bed yet again.
Am I really this selfish, or is it just me second-guessing myself again?
Ok, so there are these things I'm pretty sure is feelings.
But are they real, or is this just me clinging to what I have because I'm scared of being alone for real?
How do I tell the difference?
And if I can figure it out, do I really want to?

I've put this quote here before, but it came to me again, and so we're doing reruns today!

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'Maybe we should just be friends' or 'How very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love."

Bruised heart.

So its been 16 days since the doctor was here and my Sasha had to be put to sleep.
Her little tummy was filled with a tumor and she couldnt eat anymore.
When you buy a pet, you take on the responsibility for a life and that includes letting them go when they suffer.
I still look for her every morning when I get up. :-/
We've been looking in pet stores at new babies, because our other darling, River, is not doing well alone.
I know I'll love a new little furball with all my heart, but for now, its just... numb.

Wish I was a believer.

My rattie-baby is sick, and it feels like something is chewing up my heart seeing her in pain.
We've had the doctor here, it cost a fortune, but I dont care.
I'd use my entire savings-account to make her better.
The doctor gave her a shot of antibiotics, so now all we can do is wait.
I hate waiting and not being able to do anything!!!!!
So I found a god of rats and mice named Apollo Smintheus and prayed as hard as I could.
I wish I was religous. I wish I could believe.
It hurts so bad, and I cant do anything and its killing me.
Say a prayer for my Sasha, if you can.

Sugar-hangover. Its whats for dinner.

Or breakfast..
I had a muffin.
It was a nice, innocent little thing.
Gluten-free and everything.
But the devil is in the details, and in my rush to get out the door, I frosted the little bugger with sugar-glaze.
Bad, bad mistake.
Hangovers are never good, but its double bad when I never even had a drink!
And gods I want a drink!
And candy!
And a big fucking greasy burger!

Oh well.
Had my big finish with the super-doctor today.
I'm looking at a year of no yeast, sugar, gluten or milk to start with.
But for all my bitching, it has really helped a lot, so giving up shitty food that was slowly killing me wont be such a burden in the long run.

Here is to a healthy year full of oportunities and shit!
Have a drink for me. :-)

Its getting light out there.

The diet.

The story so far.
My old doctor, however nice could not help me with the tired and the dizzy.
So my mum and grandmother decided to chip in and send me to this really fancy private clinic in oslo.
It cost an arm, a leg and your first-born child, but o-m-g are they worth it!
They've taken massive amounts of tests and blood-samples and it all culminated in a 3hour round of allergy tests on monday.
Most of the injections did absolutely nuffink, but three of them made me sick as a dog.
I was dizzy, my tummy cramped up, I saw double and the injected areas looked like really angry big zits.
Those three were wheat, oats and yeast.
So now I'm on a 4 week trial with no yeast, sugar or gluten.
Its been a huge effort.
Pretty much EVERYTHING has at least one of those three in it.
I got an hour with the nicest Diet-doctor in the world, and she helped me more than I can ever put words to, but this still sucks huuuge amounts of ass.
Worst of all was, I had to go cold turkey on my beloved Battery.
Its pretty much what keeps me going during the winter, so now I'm back on at least one nap during the day and sleeping a lot longer in the mornings.
On the upside, its only been two days and I'm actually feeling unseasonaly perky.
I'm tired as hell, but my mood has gone up-up-up.
So I'm gonna keep being uber-carefull about what I eat, really stick to it for 4 weeks and see what comes of it.
Worst thing that happens is I eat healthy for a while.
I feel good about this.
I really do.