More ups and downs.

I'm having fun. Lots and lots of fun.
The sex is great, the company even better.
The rest of the summer is filled to the brim with awesome plans, all of it involving my favorite people.
The pills have made me more relaxed, more confident, less prone to doubting myself.
But sometimes, when I'm alone, I still think to much.
Then the whole thing feels like a glaze, covering me, covering up the rot and the stink of me.
I dont want to go back to the way I was.
I dont want to be scared all the time, I dont want to cling and doubt and push everyone away with my neediness.
I want to be strong on my own, for myself.
I have an addictive personality, I've written about that before, and its something I have to fight against every day, and I do.
Its always worth it, but sometimes it so fucking hard and its all up hill, all the time.
There is light though, and hope, and love.
Otherwise I would'nt be here any more.

Open wide the flood gates.

*Imagine I wrote something clever here*

I wish I'd started on the pills years ago.
So much hurt could have been avoided.
I wonder if this is what other people feel like all the time.
My head is so... quiet.
I can turn of the bad thoughts and the self-hate and breathe freely.
I can go out and actually talk to strangers and not be shit-scared.
The last few weeks have been an absolute whirlwind of fun.
I've done more kinky stuff than in the last year together, I've gone places I never thought I'd dare.
And most of all, I've been relishing in the feeling of being my own boss again.
I can flirt with whoever I want.
I can smile at people without worrying.
And I dont have to end a night of fun with scraping someone elses self-esteem up off the floor.
I had completely forgotten how good this feels!
And I must admit to enjoying being popular and getting offers.
It is so nice to be wanted, it is such a boost to feel ...dare I say it... sexy.
This is so far and looking out to continue being, the best summer in a long time.
Who would have thought it with the worst spring ever.