I was supposed to go do stuff.

Can't for the life of me remember what it was though.
I've been sick for a week now, fever, my body rebelling in every way it can, and I am just *so* tired.
Not being able to do anything much besides semi-dozing on the sofa gives one time to think.
I've been thinking about death, mostly.
No, I don't want to die, I've just been pondering the topic.
Delightfully emo, yes?
I've also been having the strangest dreams, really vivid ones, about my own funeral.
Odd stuff.
I do wonder though, what it will be like.
Right. This is going nowhere, exept back to bed.
Good night.

*splat*

So that was the end of that.
Fun while it lasted, but seeing in the golden light of hindsight, not meant to be.
To bad, but I can't seem to cry about it.
Hope she finds someone that fits her better, and that can take getting yelled at for trying to be nice.
No... I won't get mean, even though I have all right to.
I'm mostly sad for the wasted potential and all the emotional energy I put in to trying to make her happy.
But at least I'm dealing with it better than the last awful, heartwrenching breakup, so that's good, yeah?
At least now I know I can be a good girl girlfriend! :-D
And somewhere out there is the perfect girl for me, just waiting to stumble in to my life and heart.
Now I just gotta go find her!

New apartement, sort of 'ish.

Because we redid the entire messy thing with the help of the GF, who btw is the most amazing person ever.
We've got space now! So much space! Spaaaaace! Must use it all!
More shelves, less stuff (cause we had a pogrom and chucked as much as we could).
I went in to the lair of the IKEA and dragged home good loot, new shelves, large plastic containers and supercute new curtains with trees and birds on.

Also, I've been thinking I should do a little intro of my family for my readers, just so you'll know who is who 'round here.
Interesting, yeah?
The person that's been with me longest now is The Hubby. 13 years now and he is my best friend and dearest love. I can't imagine life without him.
Then there is the GF, Hubbys other significant other and my other bestestest friend. She has helped me through some of the roughest spots in my life, and makes both me and Hubby intensely happy.
Then there is the newer additions to my life.
During this very happy summer and autumn I met two wonderful people, my BF and GF.
The BF helped pull me out of my armour after the horrible breakup and got me to dare open up for feelings again, for wich I will be eternally grateful. His patience and care for me is just amazing.
And then, as the most beautiful cherry to ever graze a happiness-sundae, my GF fell into my arms. I had absolutely given up on ever finding a girl of my own, and then, there she was.
She makes me feel so peaceful, serene almost, and her smile lights up my heart every time I see it.
So, there they are, my little family, the lights of my life.

Closer to myself, somehow.

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place.

I've been up since five this morning and feel tired to burst, but some stuff just needs to be put down before me. (Get it? :-P)
I am blissful.
Just blissful.
Because she likes me, she really does.
We hang out, we chat and giggle and kiss and I can feel my heart fluttering in my chest again and again.
I dyed my hair the brightest pink I could find today, to match my mood.
It had to come out somehow!
I could never, ever imagine having four people to care about like this, but here I am, plum in the middle of so much love it makes me dizzy.
I just want to spread glitter and sparklers and bright pink balloons everywhere!
But now, in the words of the great Dylan Moran, BEDTIME, BEDTIME, BEDTIME!!!

Heart vs tummy.

Top is still full of butterflies, but the lower part is full of swirling nervous and dread.
I could not be more delighted, but its all moving so very fast and oh my word...
Most of all, I want to make her happy.
She deserves everything that is good and beautiful and wonderful in the world.
I'm just so scared I cant be good enough.
I feel so big and clumsy and coarse, like a lumbering ogre stumbling alongside a fawn.
But I got to hold her hand, walking by the river and my heart soared and leaped with joy.

She likes me, I think she likes me...

But does she *like me* like me, like I like her?

So I'm wandering around the apartement singing musical-tunes, so what?
I feel pink and sparkly and a bit like one of those helium balloons with the glitter inside and pictures of My Little Pony on the outside.
I'm floating around, feet hardly touching the ground.
I know I should be reasonable and practical and blah, blah blaaaah....
Screw that, I deserve a little glitter in my life.
And she... oh gods, she makes me smile and laugh and blush and giggle and consider colouring my hair pink again.

I'm full of fluttering butterflies.

Stupid feelings that are stupid.

I have to stop this.
I know I harp on about my piss-poor track record with girls, but gods damn it, I can't seem to do anything about it!
I really dont know what it is I do wrong, or why I continue to punish myself like this.
People of the fairer sex mystify me completely, maybe that is the attraction?
I just know in my heart I could make some girl really happy.
And yes, I think the right one could make me really happy too.
Damn it, I have so much to give, why can't I find someone that wants me?
All I want is someone to love me back.
Someone that cares, even just a little.
How pathetic am I?

And yeah, I'm writing this rambling mess now, because yet again, there is a girl, and yet again, she will never, ever look at me like that.
fml

Tired and sore, but in a wonderful way,

Its been a whirlwind of a weekend, let me tell you!
Funny how you can miss someone every day, the feeling integrates itself in to the fabric of life, always there in the background.
And then they are suddenly THERE, right in front of you, oh my gods, its really him and the feeling comes rushing in like a... something huge anyway and you just loose your breath and your head spins and the world goes quiet, and he is kissing you and everything is just right, so right.
And then you try to cram as much love as possible in to the brief days together, again, always with the feeling in the background, one less minute, one less hour, just two more nights now, just one...
Please kiss me, kiss me harder, don't let me think about you walking out the door in five minutes, three, one...
And then its just you again, just you in front of the screen, pouring out your heart in pixles and trying not to cry, starting another count-down, integrating the feeling again, pushing it to the back, not forgetting, but trying not to poke at it to much so it won't sting so bad, but it's always there.

Home alone'ish.

Hubby got a well-deserved break from work to go see the gf, so here I am, playing at being home alone.
The new bf will be here in a couple of days though, so I can't get up to too much mischief.
Plans include all the crappy movies I can get my filthy paws on, peanut-butter-fudge brownies and lots of.. you guessed it, sewing!
Surprise, yeah? :-P
Guess it sounds kinda lame, no booze or loose women, but I'm happy puttering around, cuddling my babies and (hawmagawd) maybe even try to clean a little.
Cause the weekend will be depraved enough for anyone!
:-D

Worn out.

Its been *such* a shitty week.
The employment-office person fucked up, yet again, I've been sick and tired and sick again, and then on wednesday we had to take baby River to the vet for the last time.
The vet-bill has buried our economy for the imediate future, but that doesn't stop the other bills from piling up.
I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep and make everything go away.
The lack of money makes me so fucking tired, and I can't stand looking at that little empty cage on the corner table.
River was always a Daddy's-girl, but I didn't love her any less because of it.
I miss my baby so much it hurts.

Bits and pieces I guess.

I *knew* there was a reason I isolated myself from the world for all those years.
Creeps! So many damn creeps!
Self-entitled, nagging assholes!
Heavens to Betsy, its enough to make a girl want to join a convent, and I'm a damn atheist!
So I guess my little project for finding a playmate is d-e-d.
Bleh.

On the bright side, I'm keeping myself busy-busy with needlework and sewing.
The days are bright and beautiful and filled with stuff to do.

Still, the disappointment stings.

A Primer for the Small Weird Loves ~ Richard Siken

So you say you want a deathbed scene, the knowledge that comes
before knowledge,
and you want it dirty.
And no one can ever figure out what you want,
and you won’t tell them,
and you realize the one person in the world who loves you
isn’t the one you thought it would be,
and you don’t trust him to love you in a way
you would enjoy.
And the boy who loves you the wrong way is filthy.
And the boy who loves you the wrong way keeps weakening.
You thought if you handed over your body
he’d do something interesting.

The stranger says there are no more couches and he will have to
sleep in your bed. You try to warn him, you tell him
you will want to get inside him, and ruin him,
but he doesn’t listen.
You do this, you do. You take the things you love
and tear them apart
or you pin them down with your body and pretend they’re yours.
So, you kiss him, and he doesn’t move, he doesn’t
pull away, and you keep on kissing him. And he hasn’t moved,
he’s frozen, and you’ve kissed him, and he’ll never
forgive you, and maybe now he’ll never leave you alone

Procrastination, part two.

I dont like it when I get to invested in something.
To much potential for hurt and heartbreak.
Right now its something realtively minor, the stiches on a handmade shirt I've been working my fingers off on, but the principle applies to larger things to.
I think I'm becoming a cynic. ( More than I already was)
Emotions make me uncomfortable.
The potential for connecting with someone even more so.
But I still want it.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Urghle.

Puttering about.

I'm a ball of nervous energy at the moment, though I can't pinpoint the source of my nervousness. It annoys the crap out of me, but I'm putting the energy to good use by cleaning the heck out of our apartement and sewing like a mad person.
I'm teaching myself smocking, cross-stitching, practicing my hand-sewing (I'm up to eight stitches pr inch) and making embroidered cloth-buttons.
I've gotten rid of ten kiloes of books, a bunch of dvds, and about a metric ton of fabric-scaps.
Then I made plum jam.
Next I'm starting a pogrom in my closet.
After that I suppose I'll start on the kitchen.
Blerghle.

Holy... uh.. something..

First of all, the weekend was lots of fun.
Even with the plague still going strong and the concern over a sick rattie-baby, I had a ton of fun playing the Lord of Darkness and Doom reincarnated in the body of a woman and plotting the socks of everyone.

And then I came home..
Holy crap..
No,no, nothing bad, but I am a little overwhelmed.
I put up a little notice on a website a few days ago, looking for new playmates, thinking I'd maybe get three or four answers if I was lucky.
At the moment I've got 45 answers, and it feels like an avalanche.
I'll have to sort through the crap to get to the ones that look like potentials, and that is gonna take a little time.
I am looking forward to it though, cause there are some real gems in there.
As always, I have high hopes and low expectations.

Procrastination, its awesome.

I've got about fifteen things I should be doing in the next five hours, so of course I'm sitting here, mooching around on the net and watching Louis Theroux documentaries.
I thought I'd seen all the films he'd made, and then I found FIVE new ones!
Oh happy day!
Anyways, in the aforementioned five hours, I'll be heading out in to the woods for the weekend to make believe and wear fancy costumes. :-D
The Swedish plague is still going strong, but I managed to avoid the nasty doctor-creatures by sending Hubby instead.
Now I'm gonna go bake cheese-pie and blueberry scones.
In five minutes anyway.

An everyday sort of life, maybe.

Sort of...
I guess...
I'm not even sure what it would entail, but I know what I'd like it to.
I'd like a job, and the satisfaction of contributing to my little family.
I'd like to try and work for a while, and then maybe go to school again.
Most of all, I'd like to feel that I can actually go through with something.
Well, blah-blah-blah...

How's 'bout something at least semi-interesting instead?
My new babies!



This is Sweet-Pea and Rocket, and they live up to their names.

Picturetaim!

Here are some choice shots from Visby.
Pretend you care. :-P

Vacation! Its good for you! (sort of) or, How I got the swedish plague.

So to round of a wonderful summer I went to the medival week in Visby with Hubby and the GF.
I'll admit I was a little nervous about it, worrying about feeling left out and lonely, but it all worked out swell!
Spent the week faffing about in costumes, going to market, watching epic battles being reenacted, eating good food and drooling over Landsknecht costumes. (I AM SO MAKING ONE OF THOSE FOR NEXT YEAR!)
Came home with my suitcase stuffed to bursting with swag and a nasty case of the swedish plague.
Coughing and fever and snooooot.
So much snot.
I mean REALLY.
Its epic.
Rivers of the stuff.
TMI?
GTFO.

In other news, now that I've stopped posting grief-porn ever other day, my readership seems to have gone *poof* again.
Oh well, I'd rather be happy than have good statistics.

Goodbye.

Starting over.

Well, here is a bit of a to-do. :-D
I had pretty much one plan for the forseeable future, and that was staying clear of boys.
Heh, see how far that lasted...
I should have learned by now, just when I swear off something, life will drop it right in my lap, gift-wrapped and all.

I've been working harder than ever on myself lately, and I've come to accept some things.
This might sound strange, but at the end of the day I'm grateful to the ex.
I was so low around the time he dumped me, I hated myself and my life.
If he hadn't left me, I'd never have started on the anti-depressants, and my life would still be a miserable hell.
Sometimes love can turn to habit, and then simply to pig-headed stubborness.
You invest so much time and emotion in someone you cant stand to let them go, no matter how bad they are for you.
I'm better off now.
But it still stings sometimes, and old habits die hard.

More ups and downs.

I'm having fun. Lots and lots of fun.
The sex is great, the company even better.
The rest of the summer is filled to the brim with awesome plans, all of it involving my favorite people.
The pills have made me more relaxed, more confident, less prone to doubting myself.
But sometimes, when I'm alone, I still think to much.
Then the whole thing feels like a glaze, covering me, covering up the rot and the stink of me.
I dont want to go back to the way I was.
I dont want to be scared all the time, I dont want to cling and doubt and push everyone away with my neediness.
I want to be strong on my own, for myself.
I have an addictive personality, I've written about that before, and its something I have to fight against every day, and I do.
Its always worth it, but sometimes it so fucking hard and its all up hill, all the time.
There is light though, and hope, and love.
Otherwise I would'nt be here any more.

Open wide the flood gates.

*Imagine I wrote something clever here*

I wish I'd started on the pills years ago.
So much hurt could have been avoided.
I wonder if this is what other people feel like all the time.
My head is so... quiet.
I can turn of the bad thoughts and the self-hate and breathe freely.
I can go out and actually talk to strangers and not be shit-scared.
The last few weeks have been an absolute whirlwind of fun.
I've done more kinky stuff than in the last year together, I've gone places I never thought I'd dare.
And most of all, I've been relishing in the feeling of being my own boss again.
I can flirt with whoever I want.
I can smile at people without worrying.
And I dont have to end a night of fun with scraping someone elses self-esteem up off the floor.
I had completely forgotten how good this feels!
And I must admit to enjoying being popular and getting offers.
It is so nice to be wanted, it is such a boost to feel ...dare I say it... sexy.
This is so far and looking out to continue being, the best summer in a long time.
Who would have thought it with the worst spring ever.

Letting go.

It would have been three years today.
I've started to try to live again, but its all uphill and everything hurts.
The pills numb me, but I can still feel the pain on the outside of my cocoon, scratching to get in.
I just want my life back.
I just want to be happy.
I just want to stop loving him.
Why cant I stop loving him?
Is there a pill for that?
I guess I'll just do as the shrink says and up the dosage.
I had a friend that killed himself after his girlfriend left him.
I dont want to die, not at all, but I think I know what he felt like now.
And the voice in my head whispers on and on, You know the quick fix for all this.
You have offers, you can make it all go away, at least for a little while.
Just let go it says, just become who you used to be again.
Shut down, turn off and just... let.. go...
So this is me, letting go.

Is this what it feels like?

To be stoned.
Yesterday was awful, semi-halusinating bad stuff coming to get me and freaking out all over the place.
Today is just fuzzy.
Everything feels miles away and nothing really bothers me at all, even when I know objectivly that I still feel like shit.
I've never really done drugs before, exept a four month round of some anti-crazy pill when I was 17 and completely messed up.
Still dont remember much of those four months, besides the general feeling that everything was just fiiiine and nothing bothered me at all.
I hope I dont loose myself again like I did back then, and so far this seems much better and I'm carefully optimistic.
High hopes and low expectations, thats the best way to go.
So for now, I'll snuggle in to my cocoon of insulated un-feeling (totaly a word now) and revel in the sensation of not having to hurt all the fucking time.

Three weeks.

Feels like three years.
Lost another kilo.
Been sleeping a little better, but keep falling asleep during the day.
Finaly started on the antidepressants, with all the potential fun of two whole pages of side-effects.
I got what I thought I wanted from the ex, a reason of sorts, but instead of bringing me closure it only made me more angry.
My anger scares me, but when it gets to bad I know I can go sleep and everything feels better afterwards.

Want you gone.

Two weeks, another update'ish sort of post.

Its been 14 very long days.
I'm still having problems eating and sleeping.
Have lost 3 kg, not that its such a bad thing really.
Still obsessing over the whole karma foolishness, and over the continued lack of any sort of proper reason as to why my life has gone to hell.
It hurts to see how easily he has moved on, like our three years together was nothing at all.
The only other time I've hurt this bad was when Hubby and I had our foolish semi-pause breakup 8 years ago.
But then I always knew in my heart we'd get back together.
Now, I have nothing.
I just want a goddamned fucking reason!
At this point, I'd be happy for a badly made up lie, just so that I could have *something*.
Everything has a reason.
Anyone that says anything else are completely deluded.
Also, I think I'm moving out of my sad state, and in to angry bitch instead.
Anger is healthy, right?

Hedwig always soothes my aches.

Last time I saw you
We had just split in two.
You were looking at me.
I was looking at you.
You had a way so familiar,
But I could not recognize,
Cause you had blood on your face;
I had blood in my eyes.
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine.

What goes around.

I've been thinking about karma lately.
Didnt use to believe in it, but everything is changing.
Did I bring this on myself?
I know I've broken hearts before, is this my punishment?
To be honest, I dont know if I can ever love like this again, I dont even think I want to.
I gave up all of myself.
All my secrets, every hidden part of me, and all it got me was heartbreak and misery.
So maybe I'll go back to being a heartless slut.
Sound good?

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Like someone died.

Because thats what it feels like.
The feeling of loss is choking me.
I can distract myself for a while, five minutes, ten, and then something reminds me and I'm right back where I started.
I miss my best friend.
I miss the smalltalk during the day, I miss the goodnight calls.
I miss the love, the incredible feeling of being safe and protected and knowing that it will never end.
But it did.
And I still dont know why.
I just want to know why.
I'm desperate to know why.

An update of sorts.

So its been a week. Quite frankly the worst week of my life.
I've been through shit before, but this tops it all by miles and miles.
The old thoughs of cutting and purging have come back in full force, though I'm not acting on them like I would have used to, so I suppose that means I'm stronger than I was.
Friday night was the hardest.
I went of on Hubby and the Gf for absolutely nothing, and then ran off outside.
Ended up by the river, seriusly considering just throwing myself in,
just to try and make the pain stop.
Obviously I didnt, but just the fact that I thought about it scares the living shit out of me.
I dont think I would have made it without Hubby and the Gf though.
They have been so good to me, I have absolutely no words, sticking with me when I've broken down again and again.
Last night was the first time I got a full nights sleep.
Today was the first time I've been able to eat proper food.
Hubby helped me to the shrink today.
I'm starting on anti-depressants either next week or the week after.
She also talked about the possibility of comitting myself for intensive help if I dont get better.
That scared the shit out of me, but I'm sort of seeing the logic in it behind the fear and loathing.
I dont want my problems to wear out my loved ones.
On the other side, I'm worried of the stigma, and how people will treat me if I am actually comitted.
Maybe we can just see it as a spa for the crazy?
I just want to get through this and then get better again.
For myself.
Because I'm worth getting better for.

I won't shiver in the cold
I won't let the shadows take their toll
I won't cover my head in the dark
And I won't forget you when we part

Collapse the Light Into Earth

I won't heal given time
I won't try to change your mind
I won't feel better in the cold light of day
but I wouldn't stop you if you wanted to stay

Collapse the Light Into Earth

all alone.

the boyfriend left me.
he doesnt love me any more.
i havent slept since wednsday.
i cant eat, it just comes back up again.
it feels like i'm dying.
last night i actually concidered ending it all, just to make the pain stop.
it hurts to breathe, my chest feels like somone is stabbing me over and over again.
i dont know how to go on living without him.
i dont know how much more i can take.

Working on myself.

Is an absolute bitch.
No, really. B-I-T-C-H.
Wich, incidentaly is how I've felt a lot lately to.
I dont set out to, but way to often in the last few weeks its where I've ended up.
I know I have a strong tendency to get defensive and feel attacked, even when people are just trying to help me.
Yet another thing about myself to work on. *sigh*
Most of all though, I'm in a constant feeling of having the rug pulled out from under me, or that split second before you tumble down the stairs.
I'm right on the edge of breaking down and cant pull away from it.
I dont want to think about what would happen if I fall, because it scares me shitless.
Everything feels like its crumbling, including me.

All this stuff....

My head is full of, well, stuff.
Stupid stuff, random stuff, upsetting stuff, stuff I thought I'd left behind, and stuff I really dont need right now.
I am, in other words, quite stuffed. (feel free to murderise me for that one, I wont blame you)
It was meeeeee! I was the Turkey all along!
*wanders off*

13 long years.

Well, this is a novel feeling.
My first march 14 in thirteen years not blindingly drunk or spaced out on sleeping-pills.
Gods, that sounds bad, doesnt it?
Well, it was only once a year, and I have (to me anyways) good reasons.
But here I am, sober and clear-headed (as much as can be expected anyway), and I must admit that I do not care for it ONE FUCKING BIT!
My heart aches and my head hurts and I just want to be able to not think about him, and my life and how he messed me up so badly and how I still cant get past it all, no matter how many years get between us.
Daddy-issues. Its such a cliché, isnt it?
If he hadnt been a drunk, or depressed, or a sadistic shithead, where would I be today?
Who would I be?
So yeah, its a pity-party round here tonight.
If anyone reads this, have a drink for me. Hell, have ten. Its what he would have done.

There was a boy.

Sometimes I think to much.
This weekend was a prime example.
About 11 years ago I met this guy.
He facinated my 16 year old self endlessly, but somehow, despite atempts at flirtation from my side, it never got to be anything.
I've seen him again from time to time through the years, always with the lingering feeling that there was *something* pulling me to him.
So this weekend I stumble across him again, and there it is, that feeling right at the bottom of my stomach that says "Ooooh, look at him".
So I smile and chat and try to be nonchalant, because I know he is taken, and I'm really not in the market for anything in that lane these days anyways, but my tounge seems to tie itself in knots and suddenly I'm sixteen and an idiot again. *sigh*
I'm not really sure where I'm going with this to be honest, just need to get it out somehow.
I just cant shake that damned feeling and it bugs the crap out of me.
Now, the logical (*hiss*, *spit*) people among you will probably say something along the lines of, "Maybe if you'd have actually told him all this at some point during the last 11 years, you could have found out if there really is something between you other than your silly teenage lust".
Well, to you I say, take your damn logic and shove it!
I've just never been able to find an oportune moment, and now its years past anyway, and... umm... well... so there!
So I'll just sit here quietly, trying very hard not to make an even bigger idiot of myself, and I'm sure it'll pass again, soon enough.
Untill the next time I stumble across him anyways.