Letting go.

It would have been three years today.
I've started to try to live again, but its all uphill and everything hurts.
The pills numb me, but I can still feel the pain on the outside of my cocoon, scratching to get in.
I just want my life back.
I just want to be happy.
I just want to stop loving him.
Why cant I stop loving him?
Is there a pill for that?
I guess I'll just do as the shrink says and up the dosage.
I had a friend that killed himself after his girlfriend left him.
I dont want to die, not at all, but I think I know what he felt like now.
And the voice in my head whispers on and on, You know the quick fix for all this.
You have offers, you can make it all go away, at least for a little while.
Just let go it says, just become who you used to be again.
Shut down, turn off and just... let.. go...
So this is me, letting go.

Is this what it feels like?

To be stoned.
Yesterday was awful, semi-halusinating bad stuff coming to get me and freaking out all over the place.
Today is just fuzzy.
Everything feels miles away and nothing really bothers me at all, even when I know objectivly that I still feel like shit.
I've never really done drugs before, exept a four month round of some anti-crazy pill when I was 17 and completely messed up.
Still dont remember much of those four months, besides the general feeling that everything was just fiiiine and nothing bothered me at all.
I hope I dont loose myself again like I did back then, and so far this seems much better and I'm carefully optimistic.
High hopes and low expectations, thats the best way to go.
So for now, I'll snuggle in to my cocoon of insulated un-feeling (totaly a word now) and revel in the sensation of not having to hurt all the fucking time.

Three weeks.

Feels like three years.
Lost another kilo.
Been sleeping a little better, but keep falling asleep during the day.
Finaly started on the antidepressants, with all the potential fun of two whole pages of side-effects.
I got what I thought I wanted from the ex, a reason of sorts, but instead of bringing me closure it only made me more angry.
My anger scares me, but when it gets to bad I know I can go sleep and everything feels better afterwards.

Want you gone.

Two weeks, another update'ish sort of post.

Its been 14 very long days.
I'm still having problems eating and sleeping.
Have lost 3 kg, not that its such a bad thing really.
Still obsessing over the whole karma foolishness, and over the continued lack of any sort of proper reason as to why my life has gone to hell.
It hurts to see how easily he has moved on, like our three years together was nothing at all.
The only other time I've hurt this bad was when Hubby and I had our foolish semi-pause breakup 8 years ago.
But then I always knew in my heart we'd get back together.
Now, I have nothing.
I just want a goddamned fucking reason!
At this point, I'd be happy for a badly made up lie, just so that I could have *something*.
Everything has a reason.
Anyone that says anything else are completely deluded.
Also, I think I'm moving out of my sad state, and in to angry bitch instead.
Anger is healthy, right?

Hedwig always soothes my aches.

Last time I saw you
We had just split in two.
You were looking at me.
I was looking at you.
You had a way so familiar,
But I could not recognize,
Cause you had blood on your face;
I had blood in my eyes.
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine.

What goes around.

I've been thinking about karma lately.
Didnt use to believe in it, but everything is changing.
Did I bring this on myself?
I know I've broken hearts before, is this my punishment?
To be honest, I dont know if I can ever love like this again, I dont even think I want to.
I gave up all of myself.
All my secrets, every hidden part of me, and all it got me was heartbreak and misery.
So maybe I'll go back to being a heartless slut.
Sound good?

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Like someone died.

Because thats what it feels like.
The feeling of loss is choking me.
I can distract myself for a while, five minutes, ten, and then something reminds me and I'm right back where I started.
I miss my best friend.
I miss the smalltalk during the day, I miss the goodnight calls.
I miss the love, the incredible feeling of being safe and protected and knowing that it will never end.
But it did.
And I still dont know why.
I just want to know why.
I'm desperate to know why.

An update of sorts.

So its been a week. Quite frankly the worst week of my life.
I've been through shit before, but this tops it all by miles and miles.
The old thoughs of cutting and purging have come back in full force, though I'm not acting on them like I would have used to, so I suppose that means I'm stronger than I was.
Friday night was the hardest.
I went of on Hubby and the Gf for absolutely nothing, and then ran off outside.
Ended up by the river, seriusly considering just throwing myself in,
just to try and make the pain stop.
Obviously I didnt, but just the fact that I thought about it scares the living shit out of me.
I dont think I would have made it without Hubby and the Gf though.
They have been so good to me, I have absolutely no words, sticking with me when I've broken down again and again.
Last night was the first time I got a full nights sleep.
Today was the first time I've been able to eat proper food.
Hubby helped me to the shrink today.
I'm starting on anti-depressants either next week or the week after.
She also talked about the possibility of comitting myself for intensive help if I dont get better.
That scared the shit out of me, but I'm sort of seeing the logic in it behind the fear and loathing.
I dont want my problems to wear out my loved ones.
On the other side, I'm worried of the stigma, and how people will treat me if I am actually comitted.
Maybe we can just see it as a spa for the crazy?
I just want to get through this and then get better again.
For myself.
Because I'm worth getting better for.