All this stuff....

My head is full of, well, stuff.
Stupid stuff, random stuff, upsetting stuff, stuff I thought I'd left behind, and stuff I really dont need right now.
I am, in other words, quite stuffed. (feel free to murderise me for that one, I wont blame you)
It was meeeeee! I was the Turkey all along!
*wanders off*

13 long years.

Well, this is a novel feeling.
My first march 14 in thirteen years not blindingly drunk or spaced out on sleeping-pills.
Gods, that sounds bad, doesnt it?
Well, it was only once a year, and I have (to me anyways) good reasons.
But here I am, sober and clear-headed (as much as can be expected anyway), and I must admit that I do not care for it ONE FUCKING BIT!
My heart aches and my head hurts and I just want to be able to not think about him, and my life and how he messed me up so badly and how I still cant get past it all, no matter how many years get between us.
Daddy-issues. Its such a cliché, isnt it?
If he hadnt been a drunk, or depressed, or a sadistic shithead, where would I be today?
Who would I be?
So yeah, its a pity-party round here tonight.
If anyone reads this, have a drink for me. Hell, have ten. Its what he would have done.

There was a boy.

Sometimes I think to much.
This weekend was a prime example.
About 11 years ago I met this guy.
He facinated my 16 year old self endlessly, but somehow, despite atempts at flirtation from my side, it never got to be anything.
I've seen him again from time to time through the years, always with the lingering feeling that there was *something* pulling me to him.
So this weekend I stumble across him again, and there it is, that feeling right at the bottom of my stomach that says "Ooooh, look at him".
So I smile and chat and try to be nonchalant, because I know he is taken, and I'm really not in the market for anything in that lane these days anyways, but my tounge seems to tie itself in knots and suddenly I'm sixteen and an idiot again. *sigh*
I'm not really sure where I'm going with this to be honest, just need to get it out somehow.
I just cant shake that damned feeling and it bugs the crap out of me.
Now, the logical (*hiss*, *spit*) people among you will probably say something along the lines of, "Maybe if you'd have actually told him all this at some point during the last 11 years, you could have found out if there really is something between you other than your silly teenage lust".
Well, to you I say, take your damn logic and shove it!
I've just never been able to find an oportune moment, and now its years past anyway, and... umm... well... so there!
So I'll just sit here quietly, trying very hard not to make an even bigger idiot of myself, and I'm sure it'll pass again, soon enough.
Untill the next time I stumble across him anyways.