no voice

its gone. completely.
it could have something to do with the fact that i screamed my throat sore yesterday..
(i was at a concert you perverts! stop smirking!)
combine that with some sort of flue on the rise and... TADA!
this is weird. i never thought about how much my voice is a part of me until it went *poof*.
now i am reduced to some sort of third-rate unwilling mime.
oh well, i'm sure it wont last long.
otherwise, i'll have to find someone to beat it out of me.

Fun for umm... grown ups?

Which would exclude me I suppose, but still...
Honesty!
Its whats for supper!
And tonights topic is.. Kinks!
I'll be the first to admit I have somewhat unconventional tastes in the department of kink.
Not that I'll be telling you lot the details. (if you want those, get to know me!)
I've been thinking a lot lately, about how people see me, and how much of me they really see.
There are people in my life I'd love to show more of myself, but I know they'd never, ever understand.
Most of all, I'd love to be able to take my new boyfriend home to my family and actually present him as that. I hate having to fake that he is just a friend!

Hospitals. Not so bad actually.

As most of you know, I HATE hospitals, doctors, pretty much anyone in a white coat is fair game to the snipers. (Someday I will be able to afford those snipers and you will all be SO SORRY!)
But today wasn't that bad!
I had to go alone, that scared the shit out of me, but I forced myself not to run away.
The doctor was nice (!!), polite (!!!) and actually took the time to explain everything to me (ah,there's the first flying pig).
The nurses were friendly, one of them even held my hand when the doctor had to use a syringe of anaesthetic to numb my lip. ( I hate needles! they make me freak out)
The actual cutting and sewing on my lip only took about ten minutes, and then the nice nurse helped me up and showed me to a room with a pretty view and comfy-comfy chairs where I rested for twenty minutes, just to make sure I was ok before they sent me home.
My lower lip looks like I stole it of Angelina Jolie, (not as sexy as you'd think, really), and I'll be living of soup for a day or two, but at least that fucking lump is gone! *happydance*
My faith in humanity isnt exactly restored, but the nice nurse and the comfy chair did help a teensy bit.
I'm still getting the snipers though. Just so you know.

I have come to this understanding.

I guess I wasn't as interesting as you said.
I guess you didn't mean all the over-the-top compliments you tossed at me.
I guess I was right again, and I'm so glad I didn't count on you to be any different.
I will not have my heart broken by this.
I will not let this get to me.
I will remember that I have people all around me that DO REALLY care, that actually love me and want me to be happy.
I will remember this while I clean out your box in my head, not that it held much.
You never even gave it a chance.
Fuck you.

In the end..

Mood- lets go burn stuff! (pms from hell)

And yet..
I haven't been this happy since I was.. oh.. 16.
Been floating on pretty pink clouds the last week or so, and it just keeps getting better!
Who needs drugs when there is love to be had!
I'm the luckiest girl in the whole world.
I have the MOST perfect hubby, (ten years in november!!), he has the most wonderful girlfriend in the whole world that I absolutely adore, and now...
Now..
I have found the most amazing, wonderful, open-minded, caring, loving, kinky boyfriend I could ever wish for.
Life could not be better in any way, pms and rain outside be damed!
Finally at 26, I can look at my life and say to myself truly, this is as good as it gets.
All the little petty stupidities of life just fade, and all I can do is smile.

ok.. Time for another round of honesty i guess.
Subject: Girls.
i am one, why the hell cant i understand them!?
As most of my non-existant readers know, i'm bisexual.
i have a hard time falling in love, (love involves trust, big nono.), but by the gods i fall in lust very easy.
And all the girls i fall for (every last single one of them!) are girls that don't even know i exist, will never look my way and are completly out of my league.
Example, the beautiful redhead that worked at the store where i used to live. i shopped there almost every day, just to see her,(stalker much?) and tried to work up the courage to say hello.
And one day she was gone.. and i'd wasted another chance.
But.. i've been with girls the observant reader will point out.
Yes.
And every last one of them i ended up running away from, pushing away or fuck up somehow.
i'll never understand why someone would want me.
So when someone actually does, my paranoia kicks in bigtime.
All i can think is, What does this person really want?.
It cant be me, so it must be some hidden motive.
i know its bullshit(hopefully), but that little voice is always there.
Maybe i just haven't met the right girl. maybe somewhere out there is a girl that can make all the little voices shut the hell up.
i'd like to meet her.