Public service something-something.

I've got a big being honest topic I need to get of my chest.
This is really, really personal, and might actually get me in pretty deep shit, but since nobody reads this anyway, I guess I should be safe'ish.
I've been faking it.
Yepp, exactly what you think.
I've been faking it for oh... about 15 years?
So if you've been intimate (gods, that is a stupid word),bleh, if I've fucked you some time during the last 15'ish years, odds are, I was faking.
Its not that the sex wasnt great, lots of it was, but the big finish has pretty much always eluded me.
The annoying thing is, I can do it just fine on my own. (To much info you say? Then gtfo, this is not the right place for you.)
But at least I've reached a point where I've got the backbone to start talking about it.
In my mind, that is a step in the right direction.

To long, but not long enough.

Time slides away in greasy sheets.
Lots of stuff happens, I think, oh I should write about this!
And then I dont.
But here I sit, all alone in the dark, trying not to panic, and I suppose writing something might help?
Gods that sounds so fucking emo.
But it is dark outside, and I am all alone in here.
I really thought I'd be ok with this.
Alas t'was not to be.
It might be the fact that you lot out there all have someone with you tonight thats ticking off the selfish bastard in me.
It might be the little girl that desperately wants someone big and safe and grown-up to check under the bed yet again.
Am I really this selfish, or is it just me second-guessing myself again?
Ok, so there are these things I'm pretty sure is feelings.
But are they real, or is this just me clinging to what I have because I'm scared of being alone for real?
How do I tell the difference?
And if I can figure it out, do I really want to?

I've put this quote here before, but it came to me again, and so we're doing reruns today!

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'Maybe we should just be friends' or 'How very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love."