Tomorrow always holds hope.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.


http://www.teamhope.com/seuss.htm

Maternal instinct, a rant.

I loathe my ovaries.
Sounds harsh, right?
They give me nothing but trouble and misery.
If I could have my tubes tied tomorrow, I'd do it.
My period is terribly late. (i'm not pregnant, i took the test twice)
If you've spent a day with me, you'll know how strict I am with myself about taking my birthcontrol-pills. I might forget everything else, but the pill is taken every day at 12, no exeptions.
I digress...
My problem is, no matter what I do, that pesky maternal instinct keeps coming back to kick me in the gut.
From a logical standpoint I know I could not be further from being ready to becoming a mother.
My whole life is structured in such a way that a baby would be the biggest mistake ever.
But I cant help it.
I see someone on the street with a baby and.. well, it really feels like someone is kicking me in the stomach.
*sigh*
A part of me was actually hoping for the test to be positive. I hate that part.
Its not fair.
Not to me, not to my life-partners.
And now, if you'll excuse me gentle reader, I'm gonna go cuddle with my darling ratties.
If the way I raise them is any indication of how good a parent I'd be then someone will come take the aforementioned ovaries away tomorrow.
Spoiled brats...

Take me out tonight.

I remember when I used to see my friends every week.
How did I loose touch so badly?
I want to go out, but actually going out scares the shit out of me.
I know I'd just drag everyone down, I always do.
Everyone always seems to have more fun after I've left.
So I guess its better that I just stay here and not mess up everyones fun.

Life without the little black box, an update.

So, early this summer we got rid of the expensive little black box that sat on top of our tv.
We still have the actual tv.
The first few weeks were.. strange.
I was so used to the zombie-like ritual of getting up in the morning and turning on the tv, and then semi-sleep untill noon with it on.
Actually having to think about what i wanted to watch (or if I wanted to watch anything at all!) was almost like a physical pain at first. (Thats a weird description, I know, but its the closest I can get).
My head is still fuzzy, I still feel so distant to the world and everyone around me, but its a tiny step closer, and that cheers me up.
I just dont know how to wake myself up properly.
Its like I'm standing somewhere outside myself, looking at what I'm doing, but not really connecting.

Warning, this post will be a rambling mess.

i've never been much of a dominant (in the bedroom).
yes, i've tried it a few times, but it always felt completely wrong and just plain weird.
its always been so much more of a thrill to surrender all control instead of taking it.
and then a few nights ago, completely sober and out of nowhere, it happened.
i suppose i wasn't very good and it wasn't very long or anything, but gods it was FUN!
the feeling of being in control and on top was one of the biggest rushes i've ever had.
i wanna go agaaaain!
and the next time, maybe i'll actually think about it beforehand, and, you know, brush my hair and not wear a t-shirt with a picture of GIR on it.