You cant spell birthday without bleh.. sort of...

So..
I'll be 27 on sunday.
Not as freaked out as I thought I would be.
My life seems to be going absolutely nowhere, but I have hopes that will change soon.
Gotta have hope, right? (hahaha!!!!)
I remember when birthdays was something I looked forward to for months.
Now, its pretty much a chore.
I *really* tried to make it pleasant for myself this year, but obligations to family got in the way of that. (again)
I just dont get why they insist on celebrating me when all they do is bitch and critizise me instead of trying to make it a nice day.
It would be less painful for everyone to just leave it alone, since apparently I lead my life in such a way as to cause as much pain as possible to everyone related to me. (on purpose, of course. oh yes. my life is not complete unless they are disapointed in me)
Why cant they just be happy for me?
Because I am really happy living like this. (no, really!! I'm not brainwashed or anything!)
Fuck it!
I am going to go dye my hair the brightest pink I can (cause it makes me HAPPY, not to hurt them.).
They will bitch.
I wont care.
I might even tell them to sod off, for the first time ever.
Cause its my life, my loved ones, and MY BLOODY HAIR!
so there.




(no way this can go wrong, huh?)

Last nights theme-song.

Time goes *wooosh* and i'm somewhere else.

Wow..
It does not feel like a month since last time i posted.
Summer came, and went again.
Denmark was fun, although danes are weird and crass.
And here it goes.
I met one of the most attractive girls I have ever seen.
She made me feel fourteen and silly in the best and worst ways.
I usually have no problems putting words together, so it freaks me out that being close to her turned me into a babbeling loon.
Thing is, i spoke about four sentences to her as myself, and not much more in character.
I have no base for feeling this way.
But still..
Bleh. Best thing to do is put it out of my head, I know.


There, gone. (yeah, right!!!)




Went to a kinky party last night.
Was great fun, even if i was still rather sick'ish.
Got to play with the Bf, wich is always amazing, talked a lot with some good friends and discovered shared kinks. (YAAAY)
And again, there was a pretty girl.
Somehow I always fall for the ones I can never have.
The ones that are taken, not interested, completely out of my league and will never give me the faintest thought.
I'm starting to think its a defence mechanism in me.
If I go for the girl i can never have, I wont get disapointed.
If I never know the real her, I wont compare her to the one that got away.
Its been about ten years, and seeing her picture still makes my throat tighten and my chest hurt.
But she is like all the others now.
I dont know her.
She is someone else then the girl i loved so desperately and it will never be like it was.
I'm so messed up.
Fuck it.