The beast in my tummy.

Its growling.
It wants out, it wants blood.
It wants to get blindingly drunk and do stupid shit.
It wants to call old lovers i dont care for anymore, just so it can pretend someone wants it.
It wants to hurt someone, badly.
My beast has long pointed fingernails, made to claw out eyes with.
My beast is hungry, hungry for anything that might make it feel cared for, just for a minute.
i keep trying not to listen.
i shut my eyes and i shut my ears, but the beast is in my head and it wont go away no matter what i do.
i'm so tired.
i just want someone to hold me.
Please?

Soundtrack of my heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqQlfFuQFXo

not mine, but still true.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'Maybe we should just be friends' or 'How very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love."

Ups and downs.

Am I the only one missing the sun?
I'm so completly dependant on sunlight to feel good.
Oh well, every day brings me closer to glorious wonderful spring and summer.
Sometimes I think I should have been born a bear or a Moomintroll, so I could hibernate though this horrible cold.
But then I would miss Christmas! And New-year!! Even if rockets are banned this year. *sob*
I looove buying prezzies for the people close to me, specialy the Hubby.
Dont get me wrong here, getting prezzies is AWSOME, but I love giving them even more.
Finding just the right gift for someone is such a kick!
I wont be getting much this year, since I already got my gift from Hubby. http://www.komplett.no/k/ki.aspx?sku=342517
Isnt she puuurdy?
I named her Lenore, like all my computers before her.

In other news..
I finaly told my mother about the Boyfriend!
And even if she dosent really understand, she just wants me to be happy.
I love my mother to bits and it was killing me not to be able to share how good my life is with her.
I really am all in on this.
Its kind of scary, but absolutely fantastic to!
My life is at last shaping up the way I want it, or at least it seems to.

I have my first apointment with the plastic surgeon on January 7.
Its totaly scary, because I dont know what I'll do if they turn me down.
I even.. well... I found this amazing pretty dress on sale that fits me everywhere but the chest.
So now its in my closet waiting for me.
I can get it exchanged.. but.. I dont want to think about that.
So keep your fingers crossed for me all you hordes of people reading this!
Also, if any friendly rich people see this, I'll need 30.000 to get it done if i'm not approved.
Just a heads-up.

Merry Christmas!!
*kissyface to everyone*

To hell with this!

Things that have gone wrong today.

-No sun, no light, crappy me.
-No money, no sushi, crappy me.
-Think I'm getting that lovely monthly visit, absolutly no positive feelings about anything that involves me taking my clothes of, crappy me.
-Hubbys car breaking down 5 min after him leaving his girlfriend, leaving me to face a night alone, panicking me.
-Dinner I had high hopes for tasting absolutly disgusting, me close to vomiting.
-My computer breaking down and I have no clue how to fix it, FUCKING ANGRY ME!

I have this nagging feeling that everyone I know is off somewhere doing fun stuff with/to each other, and I'm the only one left here, fat and disgusting as I am.
Paranoia is FUN!
I want a hug! I want to loose 10 kg overnight and still be able to eat anything I want!
But most of all, I just want someone to hold me very close and tell me that its going to be ok, that I'm not a vomit-inducing pigwoman and that the things in the darkness arent really there.
I want.. well, you know who you are, and what you mean to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Teq_FPun9K4

to panic.. or not?

What defines me as a woman?
(stupid question, i know, so just shut up. NO MENTIONING THE BOOBS!!)
I went to the doctor today, (again).
I've been having insane cramps around my period the last months, and also during sex.
Its gotten worse and worse, to the point that my nice friendly understanding (totaly scary!!) doctor sent me to a specialist.
I might have this http://www.apotek1.no/raadogtjenester/raad/intim_og_underliv/endometriose?gclid=CIHM8Zf4o5cCFQsh3godwCSmDA
Worst case scenario, they have to remove my ovaries.
That means no chance of having babies. Ever.
So what defines me as a woman?
I just want to curl up in my bed and sleep for a week.
I've always known I wanted children at some point, I have their names picked out.
I'm completly lost.

Boobies!

I finally did it!
The nasty, too-big, back-killers on my chest might be taking a permanent vacation soon.
People that say big boobs are fun/cool/nice to have can go suck an elf.
I have wanted a boob-reduction for years now, and at last, if all goes well, it will be mine!
My doctor is simply put the nicest one I have ever met.
When I get my snipers she will be spared.
*happydance*
To be able to buy bras at regular stores! To not feel my back groaning every time I take it off!
This is simply put the greatest thing to happen since.. umm.. something very big. HUGE even.
If I can go from my 75 E to maybe a 75 C or D...
gaaah!
Words fail!

Double standards.

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no voice

its gone. completely.
it could have something to do with the fact that i screamed my throat sore yesterday..
(i was at a concert you perverts! stop smirking!)
combine that with some sort of flue on the rise and... TADA!
this is weird. i never thought about how much my voice is a part of me until it went *poof*.
now i am reduced to some sort of third-rate unwilling mime.
oh well, i'm sure it wont last long.
otherwise, i'll have to find someone to beat it out of me.

Fun for umm... grown ups?

Which would exclude me I suppose, but still...
Honesty!
Its whats for supper!
And tonights topic is.. Kinks!
I'll be the first to admit I have somewhat unconventional tastes in the department of kink.
Not that I'll be telling you lot the details. (if you want those, get to know me!)
I've been thinking a lot lately, about how people see me, and how much of me they really see.
There are people in my life I'd love to show more of myself, but I know they'd never, ever understand.
Most of all, I'd love to be able to take my new boyfriend home to my family and actually present him as that. I hate having to fake that he is just a friend!

Hospitals. Not so bad actually.

As most of you know, I HATE hospitals, doctors, pretty much anyone in a white coat is fair game to the snipers. (Someday I will be able to afford those snipers and you will all be SO SORRY!)
But today wasn't that bad!
I had to go alone, that scared the shit out of me, but I forced myself not to run away.
The doctor was nice (!!), polite (!!!) and actually took the time to explain everything to me (ah,there's the first flying pig).
The nurses were friendly, one of them even held my hand when the doctor had to use a syringe of anaesthetic to numb my lip. ( I hate needles! they make me freak out)
The actual cutting and sewing on my lip only took about ten minutes, and then the nice nurse helped me up and showed me to a room with a pretty view and comfy-comfy chairs where I rested for twenty minutes, just to make sure I was ok before they sent me home.
My lower lip looks like I stole it of Angelina Jolie, (not as sexy as you'd think, really), and I'll be living of soup for a day or two, but at least that fucking lump is gone! *happydance*
My faith in humanity isnt exactly restored, but the nice nurse and the comfy chair did help a teensy bit.
I'm still getting the snipers though. Just so you know.

I have come to this understanding.

I guess I wasn't as interesting as you said.
I guess you didn't mean all the over-the-top compliments you tossed at me.
I guess I was right again, and I'm so glad I didn't count on you to be any different.
I will not have my heart broken by this.
I will not let this get to me.
I will remember that I have people all around me that DO REALLY care, that actually love me and want me to be happy.
I will remember this while I clean out your box in my head, not that it held much.
You never even gave it a chance.
Fuck you.

In the end..

Mood- lets go burn stuff! (pms from hell)

And yet..
I haven't been this happy since I was.. oh.. 16.
Been floating on pretty pink clouds the last week or so, and it just keeps getting better!
Who needs drugs when there is love to be had!
I'm the luckiest girl in the whole world.
I have the MOST perfect hubby, (ten years in november!!), he has the most wonderful girlfriend in the whole world that I absolutely adore, and now...
Now..
I have found the most amazing, wonderful, open-minded, caring, loving, kinky boyfriend I could ever wish for.
Life could not be better in any way, pms and rain outside be damed!
Finally at 26, I can look at my life and say to myself truly, this is as good as it gets.
All the little petty stupidities of life just fade, and all I can do is smile.

ok.. Time for another round of honesty i guess.
Subject: Girls.
i am one, why the hell cant i understand them!?
As most of my non-existant readers know, i'm bisexual.
i have a hard time falling in love, (love involves trust, big nono.), but by the gods i fall in lust very easy.
And all the girls i fall for (every last single one of them!) are girls that don't even know i exist, will never look my way and are completly out of my league.
Example, the beautiful redhead that worked at the store where i used to live. i shopped there almost every day, just to see her,(stalker much?) and tried to work up the courage to say hello.
And one day she was gone.. and i'd wasted another chance.
But.. i've been with girls the observant reader will point out.
Yes.
And every last one of them i ended up running away from, pushing away or fuck up somehow.
i'll never understand why someone would want me.
So when someone actually does, my paranoia kicks in bigtime.
All i can think is, What does this person really want?.
It cant be me, so it must be some hidden motive.
i know its bullshit(hopefully), but that little voice is always there.
Maybe i just haven't met the right girl. maybe somewhere out there is a girl that can make all the little voices shut the hell up.
i'd like to meet her.

wish you were here

I remember when I used to love being alone.
I don't know when it changed.
These days I climb the walls if I'm alone more than an hour or two.
I don't want to be the person I was then, but the middle ground would be nice.
Also, I've figured out a couple of things about myself. They may not be very nice, but they are true.
I have such an addictive personality. I get hooked on ideas, people, music, food.
And then I get bored.
I don't want to get bored, but I do.
When it comes to people, I guess this makes me somewhat of a slut.( not a bad thing in my mind.)
I very rarely set out to hurt someone, (yes RARELY. I'm human, just like everyone else.)
And yet I've ended up breaking the hearts of people I love deeply, solely based on the fact that I cant stick to one person. Never have, never will.
I remember everyone that leaves. And even when they end up despising me, I keep the love that was.
Some slut, huh?

I've always sucked at being honest.
When I was little I lied for fun, to see if I could get away with it.
When I grew up I lied as a means of surviving, to keep everyone out.
I suck at trusting people.
Pretty much everyone I've trusted more than a little has broken my heart in the worst way they can.
Maybe not because they meant to, maybe just because they were thoughtless or slipped.
I'm overly sensitive, I know this.
But some did mean to. One or two set out from the start to hurt me.
I'm good at keeping grudges. Even if I never do anything, I never forget either.
I wish I had a gargoyle to guard my heart.
But then again, if nothing at all got in, I couldnt feel as happy as I do right now.
So I try again. I open my heart and let someone in, and we'll see if this time, maybe...

Wow. its really been a year since i gave up on this blog.
Guess the semi-emo poetry vein ran out.
Lets try something else then.
How 'bout a round of honesty?
Lets see...