The beast in my tummy.

Its growling.
It wants out, it wants blood.
It wants to get blindingly drunk and do stupid shit.
It wants to call old lovers i dont care for anymore, just so it can pretend someone wants it.
It wants to hurt someone, badly.
My beast has long pointed fingernails, made to claw out eyes with.
My beast is hungry, hungry for anything that might make it feel cared for, just for a minute.
i keep trying not to listen.
i shut my eyes and i shut my ears, but the beast is in my head and it wont go away no matter what i do.
i'm so tired.
i just want someone to hold me.
Please?

Soundtrack of my heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqQlfFuQFXo

not mine, but still true.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'Maybe we should just be friends' or 'How very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love."

Ups and downs.

Am I the only one missing the sun?
I'm so completly dependant on sunlight to feel good.
Oh well, every day brings me closer to glorious wonderful spring and summer.
Sometimes I think I should have been born a bear or a Moomintroll, so I could hibernate though this horrible cold.
But then I would miss Christmas! And New-year!! Even if rockets are banned this year. *sob*
I looove buying prezzies for the people close to me, specialy the Hubby.
Dont get me wrong here, getting prezzies is AWSOME, but I love giving them even more.
Finding just the right gift for someone is such a kick!
I wont be getting much this year, since I already got my gift from Hubby. http://www.komplett.no/k/ki.aspx?sku=342517
Isnt she puuurdy?
I named her Lenore, like all my computers before her.

In other news..
I finaly told my mother about the Boyfriend!
And even if she dosent really understand, she just wants me to be happy.
I love my mother to bits and it was killing me not to be able to share how good my life is with her.
I really am all in on this.
Its kind of scary, but absolutely fantastic to!
My life is at last shaping up the way I want it, or at least it seems to.

I have my first apointment with the plastic surgeon on January 7.
Its totaly scary, because I dont know what I'll do if they turn me down.
I even.. well... I found this amazing pretty dress on sale that fits me everywhere but the chest.
So now its in my closet waiting for me.
I can get it exchanged.. but.. I dont want to think about that.
So keep your fingers crossed for me all you hordes of people reading this!
Also, if any friendly rich people see this, I'll need 30.000 to get it done if i'm not approved.
Just a heads-up.

Merry Christmas!!
*kissyface to everyone*

To hell with this!

Things that have gone wrong today.

-No sun, no light, crappy me.
-No money, no sushi, crappy me.
-Think I'm getting that lovely monthly visit, absolutly no positive feelings about anything that involves me taking my clothes of, crappy me.
-Hubbys car breaking down 5 min after him leaving his girlfriend, leaving me to face a night alone, panicking me.
-Dinner I had high hopes for tasting absolutly disgusting, me close to vomiting.
-My computer breaking down and I have no clue how to fix it, FUCKING ANGRY ME!

I have this nagging feeling that everyone I know is off somewhere doing fun stuff with/to each other, and I'm the only one left here, fat and disgusting as I am.
Paranoia is FUN!
I want a hug! I want to loose 10 kg overnight and still be able to eat anything I want!
But most of all, I just want someone to hold me very close and tell me that its going to be ok, that I'm not a vomit-inducing pigwoman and that the things in the darkness arent really there.
I want.. well, you know who you are, and what you mean to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Teq_FPun9K4

to panic.. or not?

What defines me as a woman?
(stupid question, i know, so just shut up. NO MENTIONING THE BOOBS!!)
I went to the doctor today, (again).
I've been having insane cramps around my period the last months, and also during sex.
Its gotten worse and worse, to the point that my nice friendly understanding (totaly scary!!) doctor sent me to a specialist.
I might have this http://www.apotek1.no/raadogtjenester/raad/intim_og_underliv/endometriose?gclid=CIHM8Zf4o5cCFQsh3godwCSmDA
Worst case scenario, they have to remove my ovaries.
That means no chance of having babies. Ever.
So what defines me as a woman?
I just want to curl up in my bed and sleep for a week.
I've always known I wanted children at some point, I have their names picked out.
I'm completly lost.