Christmastime is here by golly..

And its the shittiest time of the year.
i'm allergic to winter and darkness.
i just want to curl up inside myself and sleep till may.
The last truly happy christmas memory i remember was when i was 11.
Spending money on junk and stressing out over nothing.
Tis' the season.
Lets all pack up our lives and go somewhere warm?
White sand and blue waves, please?
In my head it feels like i'm there already.
i'm certainly not here.
everything is fuzzy and unclear, like i'm wrapped in something numbing and fluffy.
bubblewrap..
i'm always compromizing on everything.
trying to please everyone i care about and erasing myself in the prosess.
i bet if i stood up and said no, people would just think i was joking.
i'll take that bubblewrap now, thank you.
if nothing else, it numbs the pain.
fuzzy..

I'm such an idiot.

This might sound like a "poor me" post. Its not. Its a "fucking angry" post.
Btw, this is not about the BF, we've never been better.
Because he can actually talk to me about his problems instead of acting like an asshat.
I put my trust in people, even though I should have learned by now.
I give up YEARS of my life to someone only to get nothing but shit and bile in return.
I'm so tired of being disapointed.
The next person to tell me "i am different" will get a punch to the face.
Nobodys's different.
They all fall in the same holes.
"Oh of course its fine that you want to sleep with other people than your hubby"
"Wait, nono, you are only supposed to sleep with me! Sharing means me! Sleep with someone besides me and you are a whore!"
What part of "open relationship" is so hard to understand?!
I just want to rip things apart and scream.

I can see forever.

For the second time in my life I have someone I can see myself growing old with.
I've had my share of lovers, but its never felt truly permanent.
Untill I met the BF.
I can see myself at 80 with him.
I can see myself buying a house with him.
And for the second time in 27 years I know the feeling of only wanting to be with this one person.
Confusing?
I'm never gonna give up being poly. I might even want other lovers at some point again, in the distant future.
But right now, and for as far as I can see, this is it.
This is the (second) one.
So I guess I'm mono-poly? (Is that a word?)
I have a family. A REAL family that I've made myself, with the only three people that matter.
And for me, thats all I need.

I text a postcard, sent to you
Did it go through?
Sending all my love to you.
You are the moonlight of my life every night
Giving all my love to you
My beating heart belongs to you
I walked for miles 'til I found you
I'm here to honor you
If I lose everything in the fire
I'm sending all my love to you.

With every breath that I am worth
Here on Earth
I'm sending all my love to you.
So if you dare to second guess
You can rest assured
That all my love's for you

My beating heart belongs to you
I walked for miles 'til I found you
I'm here to honor you
If I lose everything in the fire
I'm sending all my love to you.

My beating heart belongs to you
I walked for miles 'til I found you
I'm here to honor you
If I lose everything in the fire
Did I ever make it through?

The scary, scary pills.

So my doctor put me on a new type of pill to combat THE DIZZY.
I adore my doctor (even hubby likes her and he hates doctors more than me).
I'm always wary of new medicine, so I always read the sideffects bit in the info-leaflet.
These.. oh boy.. The nicest bit was severe drowsiness (boy did we get that one!) and the worst was.. I'm not joking here!! "sudden unexpected cardiovascular death*.
Chew on that one!
So I've spent the last 6 days i a semi-coma.
If you've tried talking to me, I apologize.
I've been "out".
But tonight, I woke up!
No more dizzy!
I redid the livingroom. I dusted lots of dust! (and wooohee there was a lot of it)
But now I'm scared.
What if it goes away again?
I feel so good, it would be a million times worse if THE DIZZY came back now.
So I'll keep taking the lovely,scary little pills and hope that I can go on feeling as good as I do right now.

girls... goddamn girls!

I know I harp on about this topic, but it just seems to stalk me no matter what I do.
Is it so terribly wrong of me to hope for a nice girl that means what she says, dosent flake at the drop of a pin and actually cares about me and my feelings?
Bleh.
Maybe if I just give up looking someone nice will simply fall into my bed.
It worked 11 years ago, no reason it shouldnt work again!

Like they've never seen a human before.

So i shaved my head.
Not completely bald, there is about half a cm or so left.
i did it because its something i've never done before, my hair was completely fucked from bleach/dye, and as i always say, if you cant mess around with your hair, what can you mess with? it will grow back.
What i hadn't thought about was the reaction of.. well.. pretty much everone but my friends.
People stare.
They point and whisper.
One guy driving past me actually slowed down and leaned over to get a good look.
ITS JUST HAIR! FFS!
Really?
Is it that strange to see a girl with short-short hair?
Oh well.
If i ever decide to tattoo clown-makeup on my face, at least i'll know what to expect.

Tomorrow always holds hope.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.


http://www.teamhope.com/seuss.htm

Maternal instinct, a rant.

I loathe my ovaries.
Sounds harsh, right?
They give me nothing but trouble and misery.
If I could have my tubes tied tomorrow, I'd do it.
My period is terribly late. (i'm not pregnant, i took the test twice)
If you've spent a day with me, you'll know how strict I am with myself about taking my birthcontrol-pills. I might forget everything else, but the pill is taken every day at 12, no exeptions.
I digress...
My problem is, no matter what I do, that pesky maternal instinct keeps coming back to kick me in the gut.
From a logical standpoint I know I could not be further from being ready to becoming a mother.
My whole life is structured in such a way that a baby would be the biggest mistake ever.
But I cant help it.
I see someone on the street with a baby and.. well, it really feels like someone is kicking me in the stomach.
*sigh*
A part of me was actually hoping for the test to be positive. I hate that part.
Its not fair.
Not to me, not to my life-partners.
And now, if you'll excuse me gentle reader, I'm gonna go cuddle with my darling ratties.
If the way I raise them is any indication of how good a parent I'd be then someone will come take the aforementioned ovaries away tomorrow.
Spoiled brats...

Take me out tonight.

I remember when I used to see my friends every week.
How did I loose touch so badly?
I want to go out, but actually going out scares the shit out of me.
I know I'd just drag everyone down, I always do.
Everyone always seems to have more fun after I've left.
So I guess its better that I just stay here and not mess up everyones fun.

Life without the little black box, an update.

So, early this summer we got rid of the expensive little black box that sat on top of our tv.
We still have the actual tv.
The first few weeks were.. strange.
I was so used to the zombie-like ritual of getting up in the morning and turning on the tv, and then semi-sleep untill noon with it on.
Actually having to think about what i wanted to watch (or if I wanted to watch anything at all!) was almost like a physical pain at first. (Thats a weird description, I know, but its the closest I can get).
My head is still fuzzy, I still feel so distant to the world and everyone around me, but its a tiny step closer, and that cheers me up.
I just dont know how to wake myself up properly.
Its like I'm standing somewhere outside myself, looking at what I'm doing, but not really connecting.

Warning, this post will be a rambling mess.

i've never been much of a dominant (in the bedroom).
yes, i've tried it a few times, but it always felt completely wrong and just plain weird.
its always been so much more of a thrill to surrender all control instead of taking it.
and then a few nights ago, completely sober and out of nowhere, it happened.
i suppose i wasn't very good and it wasn't very long or anything, but gods it was FUN!
the feeling of being in control and on top was one of the biggest rushes i've ever had.
i wanna go agaaaain!
and the next time, maybe i'll actually think about it beforehand, and, you know, brush my hair and not wear a t-shirt with a picture of GIR on it.

everything is distant, and i'm somewhere else again.

Nobody Loves a Fat Girl, But Oh How a Fat Girl Can Love

i love postsecret.com with all my heart.
so many of the postcards there could have been written by me.

Crazy He Calls Me

You cant spell birthday without bleh.. sort of...

So..
I'll be 27 on sunday.
Not as freaked out as I thought I would be.
My life seems to be going absolutely nowhere, but I have hopes that will change soon.
Gotta have hope, right? (hahaha!!!!)
I remember when birthdays was something I looked forward to for months.
Now, its pretty much a chore.
I *really* tried to make it pleasant for myself this year, but obligations to family got in the way of that. (again)
I just dont get why they insist on celebrating me when all they do is bitch and critizise me instead of trying to make it a nice day.
It would be less painful for everyone to just leave it alone, since apparently I lead my life in such a way as to cause as much pain as possible to everyone related to me. (on purpose, of course. oh yes. my life is not complete unless they are disapointed in me)
Why cant they just be happy for me?
Because I am really happy living like this. (no, really!! I'm not brainwashed or anything!)
Fuck it!
I am going to go dye my hair the brightest pink I can (cause it makes me HAPPY, not to hurt them.).
They will bitch.
I wont care.
I might even tell them to sod off, for the first time ever.
Cause its my life, my loved ones, and MY BLOODY HAIR!
so there.




(no way this can go wrong, huh?)

Last nights theme-song.

Time goes *wooosh* and i'm somewhere else.

Wow..
It does not feel like a month since last time i posted.
Summer came, and went again.
Denmark was fun, although danes are weird and crass.
And here it goes.
I met one of the most attractive girls I have ever seen.
She made me feel fourteen and silly in the best and worst ways.
I usually have no problems putting words together, so it freaks me out that being close to her turned me into a babbeling loon.
Thing is, i spoke about four sentences to her as myself, and not much more in character.
I have no base for feeling this way.
But still..
Bleh. Best thing to do is put it out of my head, I know.


There, gone. (yeah, right!!!)




Went to a kinky party last night.
Was great fun, even if i was still rather sick'ish.
Got to play with the Bf, wich is always amazing, talked a lot with some good friends and discovered shared kinks. (YAAAY)
And again, there was a pretty girl.
Somehow I always fall for the ones I can never have.
The ones that are taken, not interested, completely out of my league and will never give me the faintest thought.
I'm starting to think its a defence mechanism in me.
If I go for the girl i can never have, I wont get disapointed.
If I never know the real her, I wont compare her to the one that got away.
Its been about ten years, and seeing her picture still makes my throat tighten and my chest hurt.
But she is like all the others now.
I dont know her.
She is someone else then the girl i loved so desperately and it will never be like it was.
I'm so messed up.
Fuck it.

so very sleepy

life is.. fuzzy?
its not really the right word, but i cant think of anything better.
the sleeping-pills knock me out, but they also make my days a hazy semi-awake blur.
its summer out there, and sometimes it feels nice to go outside.
but mostly the thought of being around other humans nearly pushes me to panic.

the scar tape is off now, and i'm not sure about the result.
my boobs look weird, very 50's rocket-boob sort of.
hope it will calm down when the scars fade.

i miss myself.
i'm not sure where i am these days, but it dosent feel like i'm here.
hope i'm somewhere nice, blue water and white sand would be good i think.

being an ass on the internet.

i know, this topic is picked to death.
but that dosent change the fact that people still act like idiots.
i joined a bdsm forum/sosical site (against the warnings of my friends), just to see what it was like.
i just could not believe that it was as bad as people say.
boy was i proven wrong!
one guy sent me EIGHT identical messages about how interesting my profile is (i didnt fill out my profile) and when i finaly told him where to shove it the fucker got snippy at me!
another site i joined thats mainly for gay people got me four sleazy messages from men old enough to be my dad, and that was just the first day.
the only exeption to this is fetlife, and i'm guessing thats because there arent that many norwegians there yet.
bluuurh.
Oh well!
Next week will be completely devoid of all things net and tv, and it will be fantastic!
Cant wait to get away with the people i love.

feeling empty

i should be happy, and the fact that i'm blue anyway drags me down even deeper.
there are lots of things to feel great about.
we're going to prague a week from today.
i am going to what looks to be an awsome larp in denmark this summer.
i have more love than i could ever dream of.
but its just not helping.
it could just be the pms of course, but the goddamn pills were supposed to at least lessen that.
not working!!!
my head feels like i'm wearing a hat five sizes to small, and i'm pretty sure cold sweat isnt a good thing.

The closest thing i will come to having children in a very long time.

I have two piggies and a rat with Hubby, and the Bf has two little piggies i see as my adopted darlings.
This is my oldest, named Fanitullen.
Is he not the absolute cutest little evil-looking fluffball?

The Gf and me posing.

So we went to a godawful shitty larp before christmas, and the only good thing to come out of it were these really rather nifty pictures.
The sexy hunk in the middle is my Bf.
Isnt he just to die for?

this is what happens when you hope.

you get your heart broken.again, and again.
i'm done.
no more.
it cant be fixed, and i cant take one more kick in the gut.
so i'm done.

ok.. so..

i've been put on sleeping pills by my doctor.
its a very, very mild type, actually a kind of allergy-medicine really, that doubles as a knock-out.
i'm willing to juuust about anything at this point to get a full night of undisturbed sleep, so i'll be starting on them tomorrow.
last time i was this tired.. i was 18, in a school i hated with a passion,and it ended with me a complete wreck. but this time i have real friends and a doctor that cares. so i'm hoping it wont go that far.
fingers crossed all around please.

Can we do it?

Its so scary, even if its really a minor thing.
I've never been without it and I'm not sure how I will deal with this.
Yep, we're getting rid of the tv.
Or.. not really. Not the actual tv, just the expensive little box on top of it that gets the signal for the tv.
What this means is, I'm actually going to have to start thinking about what I want to see and downloading it instead of just mindlessly zapping the idiotbox.
It will save us about 500 pr month, with might not sound like much, but its a hefty sum for us.
I am convinced that this is a Good Thing for me.
Time for a change.
We can do it!

sooo.. ummm...

yeah..
yesterday wasnt so great.
my body kinda seems to be falling apart.
i've been having nosebleeds, upset tummy, cant keep my food down, and my mood is just all over the place.
i hate it when i'm screaming at hubby, especialy when i know he's trying to help, but i'm just so angry and i cant stop myself.
so i booked an appointment with my nice friendly understanding doctor.
(she is to nice, i bet you she eats babies or something)
maybe she can help me figure stuff out.
my enegy level is still completely busted, and my sleep-pattern is fucked beyond anything.
i go to bed no later than 23.30, because i'm so tired, but i usualy cant sleep untill much later, and then i keep waking up every time i turn over.
but i still wake up bright and early, no later than eight, and i'm up all day.
of course, since i'm so tired all day, i just sit around like a zombie, watching tv or surfing the net.
i wanna wake up. i wanna go out in the sunshine. i wanna feel alive again.
but its just not happening.

Pity me, sad and tragic creature.

yep. i'm rolling in it, and i dont care.
i feel really fucking sorry for myself.
i've been trying to save up for a new sewing machine for two years now.

http://www.amazon.com/Brother-SE350-Computerized-Embroidery-and-Sewing-Machine/dp/B001AQER4I/ref=sr_1_25?ie=UTF8&s=home-garden&qid=1241445275&sr=1-25

it never happens, and at this point i dont think it ever will.
the price of it has gone down a huge amount, but since amazon dosent send stuff like that to norway, i have to use a shipping-company,
and they want about as much as the machine costs to start with to mail it here.
that machine would do so much for me its not even funny at this point.
i have so many plans and ideas that are just waiting for me to get a proper machine, but i might as well just scrap them all.
so i feel really fucking sorry for myself. and it feels kind of nice right now.
just for once in my life i wish something could go my way and i could get something nice that i need.

My monkey thinks that you're the bestest girl he's ever seen

Figuring out the wobbly bits.

As previously stated, its no secret that me and Hubby are polyamorous.
We've always had an open relationship, but its only the last few years that we've actually started to date other people, feelings and all.
Its been bumpy to say the least, and we had to learn communicating all over again.
Along the way we found out that we've grown apart in many ways.
The opinions we used to share 11 years ago have moved in different directions, and for a long time that was incredibly hard to accept.
Trust had to be rebuilt, but I can honestly say it only got stronger because of it.
And then there are all the new and exoitc problems...
For example.
The Bf snores, (so does Hubby btw) and Hubby cant sleep in the same room as him.
Our bed fits three people perfectly, but thats sort of worthless when one of them lies awake all night.
We tried the snore-spray thingy, (complete and utter crap), but that was a big flop.
So, then we are left with either the BF or Hubby sleeping on the sofa.
Thank the gods we can talk things out! Hubby actually insisted on sleeping on the sofa. I felt really bad for "kicking him out of bed", (wich I wasnt, but in my head.. oh well..)
In the end, everyone got their sleep and Hubby made me see that its ok that he sleeps on the sofa once in a while. (I'll be doing the same thing next time his Gf comes to stay.)

Hubbys Gf lives far away from us, and they spend time together via msn and such.
I know how much they miss each other and want them to get as much time together as possible.
So I try to give them space when she is here and not bother Hubby to much when they are chatting.
But I am high-maintenance at times and cant really do anything about that.
It just makes me feel even worse when I know that I'm "stealing" their time together.
Hubby is the best man in the world, and I know he cares about us both equally.
It just makes me feel bad that I get so much more time with him than the Gf, she deserves love and attention just as much as I do.


I've been reading up on Polyamory a lot lately, and something is REALLY bothering me.
I see people using terms like primary and secondary to describe their relationships, and that just gets my panties in a knot.
I would never, ever want Hubby to lable me as his primary.
Just because I happen to live with him dosent mean the Gf is any less important!
And because I happend to meet the Bf at a later point in life dosent make me love him any less.
Gah!
But I guess people need their little lables to make sense of the world.

Me, I choose to love all my significant others equally, and that makes me damn happy.
So there.

Yes? YESYESYES!!!

I found it!!
The themesong for Hubby and me.




I do wonder what the neighbours think sometimes.
Its very obvious that there are four people in this relationship, and I'm fairly certain they are confused as to who really lives here.
But its all good fun really.
The sales-girl at the grocery store smiles at me no matter who I'm shopping with.
(I kiss all my significant others in public)
Life could not be better in that departement.

So tired.

My energy-level is at an all time low these days.
I'm completely and utterly bored to death, but the thought of doing anything besides sitting on the sofa and zapping the idiot-box makes me cringe.
I feel so dull, so flabby and disgusting.
Gaaaah!

It hurt, and then i threw up.

But thats ok, because now my boobs look 16 again!
This is to perfect for words, really it is.
i cant hide the remote anymore, but in return i have the most amazing curvy, perky (horribly scarred,but that fades!!) breasts ever.
Both Hubby and BF have declared them the perfect size, a good handfull with a little left over.
i am so happy!!!
Now i just have to get through the mind-numbing boredom of two more weeks staying home and relaxing.
I WANT OUT DAMMIT!!!!





also, the scars itch like a motherfucker.

Off to the hospital.

Well, here i go!
I'll be back when I feel well enough to sit up.
*great big huggles to everyone*

Soon now.

I'm a complete one-track these days.
And I'm so fucking scared.
What if it goes wrong?
I know it wont, but tell that to my nerves.
Wrote my sort-of will today, just to be on the safe side.
Its in my red notebook in my purse.
It sucks, and I probably forgot all the important bits/people/etc.
But I feel a little better for at least putting something on paper.
I love you all so much.

So close i can almost touch it.

Got my post-surgery bra yesterday.
It fits ca 1/3 of my current boobage.
This is starting to scare me. Quite a lot.
But the positive will ALWAYS outshine the negative on this topic.
Also, I'm going out with a bang.
Cant wait for the party this weekend!
All my wonderful, kinky, perfect friends will be there and I will get some good memories before all the blargh.
Oh, and the BF has a concert this friday, and that will be awsome.
He has such a great voice! It just makes me feel all tingly.
Only thing I'm kinda sad about is not being able to see Hubbys GF before monday.
Really wish she could be here, she always knows how to make me calm down.

The day i wanna sleep though.

Tomorrow is the one day a year i could really,really do without.
But i'm sure i'll get though it this year as well.
Its been 11 years and march 14 still hurts as deep as hurt can go.
i miss him so fucking much. not the guy he was at the end, not all the shitty, fucked up horrible bits.
but i miss my daddy. the way he was when i was little.
i guess its hard to understand for the people that never met him and only know him through my problems. but he was still my daddy. and i loved him.

bluuuurh

Sometimes I wish I was born male. Then I wouldnt have to deal with my own body torturing me one week pr month till I'm 50.

Having been laid out on the sofa with PAIN the last few days, I've had lots of time to think.
So now I'm going to bother you all, my faithful readers with a bunch of completely random garbled nonsense.

- I want to lose 10 kg. I have plans to start working out after the surgery.
I just hope this time I can really get it the fuck done and stick to it.

- Some people apparently feel the need to go where they are not wanted.
Why they do this is completely beyond me. Is it an attempt to push others away?
Are they trying to prove something? The gods only know, I have given up at this point.

- Is there some alternative to potato-chips out there? Some salty nummy miracle that can take away the cravings, with zero carbs and nasty stuff.

- Why do I sabotage myself? I know I do it, but I cant stop.

- I know what I want to do, I even know the way to get there. Its just to scary.

- I hate you. Gods I hate you. If I could get away with clawing your eyes out, I would do it. The world would be a better place without you in it.

- And then.. there is the one I miss. So fucking much.

- I want to do SOMETHING. Something big! Just get it done and take everyone by surprise.



there. enough.

Little bits of happy.

Slept for three hours last night.
my period-cramps are back in full force because i've had to drop the pill before the surgery.
i'm all alone (and you all know i HATE that).
And yet...
Its one of those oddly wonderful days.
i have the strongest feeling that something wonderful and unexpected is just around the corner.
Soon now, i'll turn around and there it will be.
Silly, huh?

Getting closer.

Less than a month now, and what a month it will be!
My life is finaly beginning to pick up speed again after a winter that just never seems to end.
I feel like going out and seeing people!
The hair is going back to the brightest bubblegum-pink I can get my grubby paws on before the surgery. (anything to cheer myself up!)
I'm so scared of the pain and risks, but it wont make me shy away.
I will take this head on, and I'll come through with the people I love around me.
And on the other side... life is waiting.
The list of things i want to do just keeps growing.
I just want to feel beautiful and attractive again.

I know, I'm rambling again.
But this is MY blog dammit, and its not like anyone reads it much anyway.
So I'll keep going of at random and feel better for it.

For the three people that matter. All my love, for ever.

Bubbles and angles.

Someone is crazy.

The song says it all.

The never-ending drama.

....

There is one person, and ONLY one allowed to feel sorry for herself in all this.
The rest of you can get your heads out of your asses and grow the fuck up.


Hell... hell is other people.

you can all go jump in the river for all i care.
you made your bed, now you get to lie in it.
cheaters are the lowest of the low.

Nothing to wear.

But a closet full of clothes.
What does one wear to the opening of Fashion-week anyway?
I dont have huge diamonds and Dior dresses.
Blargh!!!

little details

Walking in the sun on my way home from work, happy music making me feel all bouncy.
Lots of pretty things to see, yay for the camera in my phone!

Its on!

I got the surgery!!!
March 23, my chest will be shrinking 4, maybe 5 sizes.
No more backpains!
Of course, I'm in for a month of hell after the surgery, but thats NOTHING compared to the last five years of constant pain.
I'll be able to look down and feel good about my breasts!
I'll be able to wear shirts that fit both my chest and my waist!!!
I havent been this happy since... hmm... *ponder*
well.. ummm... there was that time.. well...
Not in a very long time.

In other news, I'll be throwing a farewell-party for my chest some time before the surgery.
You are all invited.

So tired of it all

I don't have many rules in my life, (I find myself far happier not trying to hold myself back), but there are a few things I never, ever, EVER do.
I only buy free-range eggs. If I cant get happy eggs, I'd rather go without.
I don't buy or wear fur from animals that aren't used for anything but fur. I see no problem in wearing rabbit or sheepskin, they are raised for their meat and the fur would otherwise go to waste.
I never sleep with someone I know to be taken by another/in a monogamous relationship.
I don't mind sharing, and if someone in an open relationship makes a move on me, hey, we might have some fun.
One of my biggest fears is getting between people that care about each other.
I would hate to be the reason someone split up or ended their friendship.
(I guess I'm rambling at this point, but I don't care. My blog!)
I have broken my own rules, of course I have.
But I'm honest about it, to myself and anyone that asks.
I don't give a shit about what anyone but my very closest think about me, as long as I can look myself in the eye and know that I tell myself the truth every day.
I'm a slut. I'm proud of that. Lots of people have used that word to try and hurt me, but I wont let them.
I know myself.
I'm happy with who I am.
The world can take its teenage-drama and go fuck itself.