Bruised heart.

So its been 16 days since the doctor was here and my Sasha had to be put to sleep.
Her little tummy was filled with a tumor and she couldnt eat anymore.
When you buy a pet, you take on the responsibility for a life and that includes letting them go when they suffer.
I still look for her every morning when I get up. :-/
We've been looking in pet stores at new babies, because our other darling, River, is not doing well alone.
I know I'll love a new little furball with all my heart, but for now, its just... numb.

Wish I was a believer.

My rattie-baby is sick, and it feels like something is chewing up my heart seeing her in pain.
We've had the doctor here, it cost a fortune, but I dont care.
I'd use my entire savings-account to make her better.
The doctor gave her a shot of antibiotics, so now all we can do is wait.
I hate waiting and not being able to do anything!!!!!
So I found a god of rats and mice named Apollo Smintheus and prayed as hard as I could.
I wish I was religous. I wish I could believe.
It hurts so bad, and I cant do anything and its killing me.
Say a prayer for my Sasha, if you can.

Sugar-hangover. Its whats for dinner.

Or breakfast..
I had a muffin.
It was a nice, innocent little thing.
Gluten-free and everything.
But the devil is in the details, and in my rush to get out the door, I frosted the little bugger with sugar-glaze.
Bad, bad mistake.
Hangovers are never good, but its double bad when I never even had a drink!
And gods I want a drink!
And candy!
And a big fucking greasy burger!

Oh well.
Had my big finish with the super-doctor today.
I'm looking at a year of no yeast, sugar, gluten or milk to start with.
But for all my bitching, it has really helped a lot, so giving up shitty food that was slowly killing me wont be such a burden in the long run.

Here is to a healthy year full of oportunities and shit!
Have a drink for me. :-)

Its getting light out there.

The diet.

The story so far.
My old doctor, however nice could not help me with the tired and the dizzy.
So my mum and grandmother decided to chip in and send me to this really fancy private clinic in oslo.
It cost an arm, a leg and your first-born child, but o-m-g are they worth it!
They've taken massive amounts of tests and blood-samples and it all culminated in a 3hour round of allergy tests on monday.
Most of the injections did absolutely nuffink, but three of them made me sick as a dog.
I was dizzy, my tummy cramped up, I saw double and the injected areas looked like really angry big zits.
Those three were wheat, oats and yeast.
So now I'm on a 4 week trial with no yeast, sugar or gluten.
Its been a huge effort.
Pretty much EVERYTHING has at least one of those three in it.
I got an hour with the nicest Diet-doctor in the world, and she helped me more than I can ever put words to, but this still sucks huuuge amounts of ass.
Worst of all was, I had to go cold turkey on my beloved Battery.
Its pretty much what keeps me going during the winter, so now I'm back on at least one nap during the day and sleeping a lot longer in the mornings.
On the upside, its only been two days and I'm actually feeling unseasonaly perky.
I'm tired as hell, but my mood has gone up-up-up.
So I'm gonna keep being uber-carefull about what I eat, really stick to it for 4 weeks and see what comes of it.
Worst thing that happens is I eat healthy for a while.
I feel good about this.
I really do.

Christmastime is here by golly..

And its the shittiest time of the year.
i'm allergic to winter and darkness.
i just want to curl up inside myself and sleep till may.
The last truly happy christmas memory i remember was when i was 11.
Spending money on junk and stressing out over nothing.
Tis' the season.
Lets all pack up our lives and go somewhere warm?
White sand and blue waves, please?
In my head it feels like i'm there already.
i'm certainly not here.
everything is fuzzy and unclear, like i'm wrapped in something numbing and fluffy.
bubblewrap..
i'm always compromizing on everything.
trying to please everyone i care about and erasing myself in the prosess.
i bet if i stood up and said no, people would just think i was joking.
i'll take that bubblewrap now, thank you.
if nothing else, it numbs the pain.
fuzzy..