Counting down- 11 days until the Hospital.

And I am so friggin' nervous. But at least it can't get any worse than it is right now. I just want the burning pain to let up for five minutes. To not feel like a leper. To be touched.

Lost and angry and sick.

This is not my fault. I refuse to yet again take the blame for something I did not cause. Your problems are your own, and I will not carry them for you. Trying to dump your shit on me is.. well... shitty! Get the fuck over yourself and leave me alone. Now excuse me while I go throw up my dinner from todays fourth panic-attack. Shithead.

What to do...

Other than press f5 over and over and over, waiting for that jolt that comes with the little red number that says, yes, she wrote back.
I feel so stupid, but the jolt is addictive.
It's better than caffeine, better than sugar-rush, better than rollercoasters and driving too fast.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.

The sun came out, and I walked on my feet and heard with my ears.

I like spring. Spring is good. I wake up and stuff.
This winter was easier than last, but I've still been zombie'ing around.
Vacation was awesome, sun and warmth and family.
I'm getting better at being alone, so that's good.
Life meanders on, and I stumble along.

I was supposed to go do stuff.

Can't for the life of me remember what it was though.
I've been sick for a week now, fever, my body rebelling in every way it can, and I am just *so* tired.
Not being able to do anything much besides semi-dozing on the sofa gives one time to think.
I've been thinking about death, mostly.
No, I don't want to die, I've just been pondering the topic.
Delightfully emo, yes?
I've also been having the strangest dreams, really vivid ones, about my own funeral.
Odd stuff.
I do wonder though, what it will be like.
Right. This is going nowhere, exept back to bed.
Good night.

*splat*

So that was the end of that.
Fun while it lasted, but seeing in the golden light of hindsight, not meant to be.
To bad, but I can't seem to cry about it.
Hope she finds someone that fits her better, and that can take getting yelled at for trying to be nice.
No... I won't get mean, even though I have all right to.
I'm mostly sad for the wasted potential and all the emotional energy I put in to trying to make her happy.
But at least I'm dealing with it better than the last awful, heartwrenching breakup, so that's good, yeah?
At least now I know I can be a good girl girlfriend! :-D
And somewhere out there is the perfect girl for me, just waiting to stumble in to my life and heart.
Now I just gotta go find her!

New apartement, sort of 'ish.

Because we redid the entire messy thing with the help of the GF, who btw is the most amazing person ever.
We've got space now! So much space! Spaaaaace! Must use it all!
More shelves, less stuff (cause we had a pogrom and chucked as much as we could).
I went in to the lair of the IKEA and dragged home good loot, new shelves, large plastic containers and supercute new curtains with trees and birds on.

Also, I've been thinking I should do a little intro of my family for my readers, just so you'll know who is who 'round here.
Interesting, yeah?
The person that's been with me longest now is The Hubby. 13 years now and he is my best friend and dearest love. I can't imagine life without him.
Then there is the GF, Hubbys other significant other and my other bestestest friend. She has helped me through some of the roughest spots in my life, and makes both me and Hubby intensely happy.
Then there is the newer additions to my life.
During this very happy summer and autumn I met two wonderful people, my BF and GF.
The BF helped pull me out of my armour after the horrible breakup and got me to dare open up for feelings again, for wich I will be eternally grateful. His patience and care for me is just amazing.
And then, as the most beautiful cherry to ever graze a happiness-sundae, my GF fell into my arms. I had absolutely given up on ever finding a girl of my own, and then, there she was.
She makes me feel so peaceful, serene almost, and her smile lights up my heart every time I see it.
So, there they are, my little family, the lights of my life.