I'm such an idiot.

This might sound like a "poor me" post. Its not. Its a "fucking angry" post.
Btw, this is not about the BF, we've never been better.
Because he can actually talk to me about his problems instead of acting like an asshat.
I put my trust in people, even though I should have learned by now.
I give up YEARS of my life to someone only to get nothing but shit and bile in return.
I'm so tired of being disapointed.
The next person to tell me "i am different" will get a punch to the face.
Nobodys's different.
They all fall in the same holes.
"Oh of course its fine that you want to sleep with other people than your hubby"
"Wait, nono, you are only supposed to sleep with me! Sharing means me! Sleep with someone besides me and you are a whore!"
What part of "open relationship" is so hard to understand?!
I just want to rip things apart and scream.

I can see forever.

For the second time in my life I have someone I can see myself growing old with.
I've had my share of lovers, but its never felt truly permanent.
Untill I met the BF.
I can see myself at 80 with him.
I can see myself buying a house with him.
And for the second time in 27 years I know the feeling of only wanting to be with this one person.
Confusing?
I'm never gonna give up being poly. I might even want other lovers at some point again, in the distant future.
But right now, and for as far as I can see, this is it.
This is the (second) one.
So I guess I'm mono-poly? (Is that a word?)
I have a family. A REAL family that I've made myself, with the only three people that matter.
And for me, thats all I need.

I text a postcard, sent to you
Did it go through?
Sending all my love to you.
You are the moonlight of my life every night
Giving all my love to you
My beating heart belongs to you
I walked for miles 'til I found you
I'm here to honor you
If I lose everything in the fire
I'm sending all my love to you.

With every breath that I am worth
Here on Earth
I'm sending all my love to you.
So if you dare to second guess
You can rest assured
That all my love's for you

My beating heart belongs to you
I walked for miles 'til I found you
I'm here to honor you
If I lose everything in the fire
I'm sending all my love to you.

My beating heart belongs to you
I walked for miles 'til I found you
I'm here to honor you
If I lose everything in the fire
Did I ever make it through?

The scary, scary pills.

So my doctor put me on a new type of pill to combat THE DIZZY.
I adore my doctor (even hubby likes her and he hates doctors more than me).
I'm always wary of new medicine, so I always read the sideffects bit in the info-leaflet.
These.. oh boy.. The nicest bit was severe drowsiness (boy did we get that one!) and the worst was.. I'm not joking here!! "sudden unexpected cardiovascular death*.
Chew on that one!
So I've spent the last 6 days i a semi-coma.
If you've tried talking to me, I apologize.
I've been "out".
But tonight, I woke up!
No more dizzy!
I redid the livingroom. I dusted lots of dust! (and wooohee there was a lot of it)
But now I'm scared.
What if it goes away again?
I feel so good, it would be a million times worse if THE DIZZY came back now.
So I'll keep taking the lovely,scary little pills and hope that I can go on feeling as good as I do right now.

girls... goddamn girls!

I know I harp on about this topic, but it just seems to stalk me no matter what I do.
Is it so terribly wrong of me to hope for a nice girl that means what she says, dosent flake at the drop of a pin and actually cares about me and my feelings?
Bleh.
Maybe if I just give up looking someone nice will simply fall into my bed.
It worked 11 years ago, no reason it shouldnt work again!

Like they've never seen a human before.

So i shaved my head.
Not completely bald, there is about half a cm or so left.
i did it because its something i've never done before, my hair was completely fucked from bleach/dye, and as i always say, if you cant mess around with your hair, what can you mess with? it will grow back.
What i hadn't thought about was the reaction of.. well.. pretty much everone but my friends.
People stare.
They point and whisper.
One guy driving past me actually slowed down and leaned over to get a good look.
ITS JUST HAIR! FFS!
Really?
Is it that strange to see a girl with short-short hair?
Oh well.
If i ever decide to tattoo clown-makeup on my face, at least i'll know what to expect.