Easing my way back in.

I can't belive it, but I'm going on... a DATE!
With a real, live... GIRL!
And she asked me out!
I'm running out of exclamation points here!!!
I'm so full of nervous energy it's coming out of my ears.
So I'm cleaning the living room, cleaning the fridge, doing laundry, doing dishes, vacuming, dusting, sorting books and just generally running around in a tizzy.
SO FRIGGIN' NERVOUS!!
*mip*

Summer's over.

Or at least it feels like it is.
It's been a whirlwind of fun. Larps, traveling, parties, good friends, and all the strawberries I could get my grubby paws on.
But now it's time to try and be a grown-up and do battle with the unemployment-office monsters again.
So I'll strap on my thickest hide and get ready for the trenches again.
Wish me luck?

Counting down- 11 days until the Hospital.

And I am so friggin' nervous. But at least it can't get any worse than it is right now. I just want the burning pain to let up for five minutes. To not feel like a leper. To be touched.

Lost and angry and sick.

This is not my fault. I refuse to yet again take the blame for something I did not cause. Your problems are your own, and I will not carry them for you. Trying to dump your shit on me is.. well... shitty! Get the fuck over yourself and leave me alone. Now excuse me while I go throw up my dinner from todays fourth panic-attack. Shithead.

What to do...

Other than press f5 over and over and over, waiting for that jolt that comes with the little red number that says, yes, she wrote back.
I feel so stupid, but the jolt is addictive.
It's better than caffeine, better than sugar-rush, better than rollercoasters and driving too fast.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.

The sun came out, and I walked on my feet and heard with my ears.

I like spring. Spring is good. I wake up and stuff.
This winter was easier than last, but I've still been zombie'ing around.
Vacation was awesome, sun and warmth and family.
I'm getting better at being alone, so that's good.
Life meanders on, and I stumble along.

I was supposed to go do stuff.

Can't for the life of me remember what it was though.
I've been sick for a week now, fever, my body rebelling in every way it can, and I am just *so* tired.
Not being able to do anything much besides semi-dozing on the sofa gives one time to think.
I've been thinking about death, mostly.
No, I don't want to die, I've just been pondering the topic.
Delightfully emo, yes?
I've also been having the strangest dreams, really vivid ones, about my own funeral.
Odd stuff.
I do wonder though, what it will be like.
Right. This is going nowhere, exept back to bed.
Good night.

*splat*

So that was the end of that.
Fun while it lasted, but seeing in the golden light of hindsight, not meant to be.
To bad, but I can't seem to cry about it.
Hope she finds someone that fits her better, and that can take getting yelled at for trying to be nice.
No... I won't get mean, even though I have all right to.
I'm mostly sad for the wasted potential and all the emotional energy I put in to trying to make her happy.
But at least I'm dealing with it better than the last awful, heartwrenching breakup, so that's good, yeah?
At least now I know I can be a good girl girlfriend! :-D
And somewhere out there is the perfect girl for me, just waiting to stumble in to my life and heart.
Now I just gotta go find her!

New apartement, sort of 'ish.

Because we redid the entire messy thing with the help of the GF, who btw is the most amazing person ever.
We've got space now! So much space! Spaaaaace! Must use it all!
More shelves, less stuff (cause we had a pogrom and chucked as much as we could).
I went in to the lair of the IKEA and dragged home good loot, new shelves, large plastic containers and supercute new curtains with trees and birds on.

Also, I've been thinking I should do a little intro of my family for my readers, just so you'll know who is who 'round here.
Interesting, yeah?
The person that's been with me longest now is The Hubby. 13 years now and he is my best friend and dearest love. I can't imagine life without him.
Then there is the GF, Hubbys other significant other and my other bestestest friend. She has helped me through some of the roughest spots in my life, and makes both me and Hubby intensely happy.
Then there is the newer additions to my life.
During this very happy summer and autumn I met two wonderful people, my BF and GF.
The BF helped pull me out of my armour after the horrible breakup and got me to dare open up for feelings again, for wich I will be eternally grateful. His patience and care for me is just amazing.
And then, as the most beautiful cherry to ever graze a happiness-sundae, my GF fell into my arms. I had absolutely given up on ever finding a girl of my own, and then, there she was.
She makes me feel so peaceful, serene almost, and her smile lights up my heart every time I see it.
So, there they are, my little family, the lights of my life.

Closer to myself, somehow.

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place.

I've been up since five this morning and feel tired to burst, but some stuff just needs to be put down before me. (Get it? :-P)
I am blissful.
Just blissful.
Because she likes me, she really does.
We hang out, we chat and giggle and kiss and I can feel my heart fluttering in my chest again and again.
I dyed my hair the brightest pink I could find today, to match my mood.
It had to come out somehow!
I could never, ever imagine having four people to care about like this, but here I am, plum in the middle of so much love it makes me dizzy.
I just want to spread glitter and sparklers and bright pink balloons everywhere!
But now, in the words of the great Dylan Moran, BEDTIME, BEDTIME, BEDTIME!!!

Heart vs tummy.

Top is still full of butterflies, but the lower part is full of swirling nervous and dread.
I could not be more delighted, but its all moving so very fast and oh my word...
Most of all, I want to make her happy.
She deserves everything that is good and beautiful and wonderful in the world.
I'm just so scared I cant be good enough.
I feel so big and clumsy and coarse, like a lumbering ogre stumbling alongside a fawn.
But I got to hold her hand, walking by the river and my heart soared and leaped with joy.

She likes me, I think she likes me...

But does she *like me* like me, like I like her?

So I'm wandering around the apartement singing musical-tunes, so what?
I feel pink and sparkly and a bit like one of those helium balloons with the glitter inside and pictures of My Little Pony on the outside.
I'm floating around, feet hardly touching the ground.
I know I should be reasonable and practical and blah, blah blaaaah....
Screw that, I deserve a little glitter in my life.
And she... oh gods, she makes me smile and laugh and blush and giggle and consider colouring my hair pink again.

I'm full of fluttering butterflies.

Stupid feelings that are stupid.

I have to stop this.
I know I harp on about my piss-poor track record with girls, but gods damn it, I can't seem to do anything about it!
I really dont know what it is I do wrong, or why I continue to punish myself like this.
People of the fairer sex mystify me completely, maybe that is the attraction?
I just know in my heart I could make some girl really happy.
And yes, I think the right one could make me really happy too.
Damn it, I have so much to give, why can't I find someone that wants me?
All I want is someone to love me back.
Someone that cares, even just a little.
How pathetic am I?

And yeah, I'm writing this rambling mess now, because yet again, there is a girl, and yet again, she will never, ever look at me like that.
fml

Tired and sore, but in a wonderful way,

Its been a whirlwind of a weekend, let me tell you!
Funny how you can miss someone every day, the feeling integrates itself in to the fabric of life, always there in the background.
And then they are suddenly THERE, right in front of you, oh my gods, its really him and the feeling comes rushing in like a... something huge anyway and you just loose your breath and your head spins and the world goes quiet, and he is kissing you and everything is just right, so right.
And then you try to cram as much love as possible in to the brief days together, again, always with the feeling in the background, one less minute, one less hour, just two more nights now, just one...
Please kiss me, kiss me harder, don't let me think about you walking out the door in five minutes, three, one...
And then its just you again, just you in front of the screen, pouring out your heart in pixles and trying not to cry, starting another count-down, integrating the feeling again, pushing it to the back, not forgetting, but trying not to poke at it to much so it won't sting so bad, but it's always there.

Home alone'ish.

Hubby got a well-deserved break from work to go see the gf, so here I am, playing at being home alone.
The new bf will be here in a couple of days though, so I can't get up to too much mischief.
Plans include all the crappy movies I can get my filthy paws on, peanut-butter-fudge brownies and lots of.. you guessed it, sewing!
Surprise, yeah? :-P
Guess it sounds kinda lame, no booze or loose women, but I'm happy puttering around, cuddling my babies and (hawmagawd) maybe even try to clean a little.
Cause the weekend will be depraved enough for anyone!
:-D

Worn out.

Its been *such* a shitty week.
The employment-office person fucked up, yet again, I've been sick and tired and sick again, and then on wednesday we had to take baby River to the vet for the last time.
The vet-bill has buried our economy for the imediate future, but that doesn't stop the other bills from piling up.
I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep and make everything go away.
The lack of money makes me so fucking tired, and I can't stand looking at that little empty cage on the corner table.
River was always a Daddy's-girl, but I didn't love her any less because of it.
I miss my baby so much it hurts.